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Nation's bears unite against Colbert candidacy

Television personality Stephen Colbert, host of “The Colbert Report” on the Comedy Central cable network, announced his candidacy for the presidency on Wednesday. Early polls suggest the cagey, often delusional right wing pundit may have a serious chance at contending in both the Republican and Democratic primaries in South Carolina, his home state and the only primary he intends to enter.

In response to Mr. Colbert's startling meteoric rise one group of indigenous American non-voters, often publicly ridiculed by the former T.V. news reporter, has coalesced against his campaign: Bears.

Though usually quiet, solitary, apolitical individuals the members of BACPEC (Bears Against Colbert's Presidential Election Campaign) have rallied around several key points of opposition.

“Mr. Colbert has, on numerous occasions, vociferously expressed his extreme dislike for our lot based on nothing more than stereotype, sensational rumor and innuendo,” said a six foot tall, 500 pound Montana black bear who wished to remain anonymous and androgynous, also calling Colbert's candidacy an affront to everything America stands for, saying the host regularly advocates for “our total extermination” on his show.

Additional points of contention apparently include Mr. Colbert's relatively weak wrists, minimal body hair and a lack of understanding for hibernatory lifestyles. “He's very close minded if you ask me,” said Tatqiq, a 500 pound female polar bear with the San Diego zoo.

Mr. Colbert will have a few months of respite from BACPEC's attacks thanks to the approach of winter but any campaign stops in the Northwest this spring may contain interesting and bloody challenges for the new presidential candidate.

“We don't like his ears,” added one member of the group, a 9-foot, 1,400 pound Kodiak from Wyoming who also did not give his/her name or gender. “They're asymmetrical and it makes us nervous.”

(Mr. Colbert's campaign did not reply to emailed request for a response sent immediately prior to the publishing deadline.)

Wal-Mart unveils new low-price, store-brand stock

Wal-Mart CEO Lee Scott is expected to reveal the company's newest retail strategy at its annual two-day meeting with investors and analysts underway this week. In a press release on Monday, the usually secretive Mr. Scott threw some light on the giant retailer's plan calling it “a natural extension of our great tradition of cutting costs and shifting the savings on to our consumers.”

“Those of us at Wal-Mart have been working round the clock to expand overambitiously in already retail-saturated domestic sectors, weaken growth in same-store sales, and tarnish our business name through sundry quasi-scandals all so that we can offer the low-to-middle income investor the most competitive retail store stock price on the market,” said Mr. Scott.

“Their efforts appear to be working,” said analyst Graem Charles of J. P. Morgan. “They have already reduced the price of Wal-Mart stock nearly 5 percent since 2000 while their competitor's prices have steadily risen, some over 100%, during the same period.” Mr. Charles expressed confidence that if the current leader in the retail world could just keep sales growth below 2% through the crucial upcoming holiday season they might be able to offer the some of the lowest priced stock anywhere come January of next year.

Bush asks Congress for billions more for wars

President Bush called on Congress today to approve $46 billion in additional war spending, the vast majority of which is meant for Iraq. Speaking from the White House Mr. Bush urged lawmakers to “do what it takes to support our troops and protect our people.”

“Listen, you know I wouldn't ask for this if I didn't really need it, right? You know that. C'mon. The last thing I wanna do is put you in this position. But I've got no choice. I've got no one else I can ask. It's only you, baby. Listen, I'll make it up to you. I will. I promise. And you know I'm good for it. C'mon. Whadaya say? I know we've been through this before, I know that. But whada you want me to do, huh? Raise taxes? Sell war bonds? Ration Kevlar for christsake?! Oh baby don't... I'm sorry. No, c'mon. Don't be like that. C'mon. I'm sorry. Hey. Congress. Congress! Con! Don't be like that, Con! You know I hate doin' this to ya. You know that, Con. If there were any other way, baby. I swear. But you're it. You're all I got, baby. Baby, just think about it. That's all I'm askin'. Think about it for a while, that's all. I don't want you to do anything you don't wanna do, girl. You know that. Think about it and let me know, aight? You're all I got, baby. You're the one,” explained Mr. Bush.

Minutes after the president spoke, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) warned Mr. Bush that Congress would not just “rubber-stamp” the supplemental request. Mr. Reid compared the estimated $650 billion total cost of the unpopular Iraq war thus far with the bipartisan $60 billion children's health care bill which Mr. Bush recently vetoed and which would have been paid for by an increase in cigarette taxes.

“You're always doing this. If it's something you need I'm supposed to be there for you. But when it comes to my needs it just seems like you couldn't care less? No, I'm not saying you don't care. I'm saying that's what it feels like to me based on your actions. Like when I tell you I'm too busy to see you and you call me up anyway and say 'let's get together'. It feels like you don't respect me and what I'm trying to do with my life. Why should I care anymore what you want? Huh? Why? Give me one good reason. All you give a damn about anymore is yourself and your stupid war. You want my help? Yeah, like you've got a prayer.”

Bush tries to convince Turkey to stay out of Iraq

The Bush administration has been working to dissuade Turkey from crossing over the northern Iraq border in an effort to quell Kurdish rebel attacks stemming from there. In a phone conversation with Turkish Foreign Minister Ali Babacan, President Bush said that invading Iraq would be a “serious misstep” in the advance toward eventual peace in the region.

“Ali? Dubya here. Buddy. Listen. Dude. You totally do not wanna invade that country... Yeah... No. Trust me on this one," Mr. Bush reportedly advised Minister Babacan. "I mean, attacking an unstable Islamic country with a long and bloody past of internal sectarian rivalries against the advice and wishes of nearly all other nations on earth at perhaps the most sensitive period in recent Mideast history? Are you mad? What leader in their right mind would do such a... I mean it's not as if attacks on your homeland originated directly from within Iraq... uh... um, oh I think that was my call waiting. Gotta go man. Talk to ya later.”

House Armenian Genocide Vote

A House committee Wednesday evening narrowly approved a resolution that labels the killings of 1.5 million Armenians by Turkish forces during and after World War I as “genocide.” The House Committee on Foreign Affairs passed the measure 27-21 even though the administration was strenuously opposed to it. President Bush has said such a resolution would seriously disrupt Turkish-U.S. relations.

Turkey has been an important U.S. ally in the Iraq war largely through granting use of its bases, infrastructure and airspace. Turkish officials have strongly indicated that their government takes serious offense to the measure before the House and that consequences would follow were it to pass.

The American people appear ambivalent over the matter.

“On the one hand, yes, it is important to face up to history and recognize the perpetration of past genocides in order to better avoid them in the future,” explained Trixie Jacobson, 20, of Denver, “but the timing of this measure against Turkey just doesn't sit right with me, it being so close to Thanksgiving and all.”

Ms Jacobson continued, “I mean what's next? A Christmas eve vote on a symbolic resolution recognizing the North Pole's national passive antisemitism?!”

Fine Art major's entire honors project just screencaps of iTunes Visualizer option

Undergraduate Fine Art major Drew Andreison recently submitted his senior honors project consisting of 11 Kinko's color prints of screen caps of Apple's iTunes “Visualizer” feature in “Full Screen” mode.

“I meant to do these really cool abstract photo collages of some of the unique little spots around campus that most people don't even know about, like that pond behind the student union, but I could only find like two,” explained Mr. Andreison, adding, “plus the light was only right at like eight in the morning which was just not gonna happen... at least not this week.”

When asked about his inspiration for the comprehensive 18-month long, faculty-guided project, which is designed to give highly self-motivated advanced students the impetus to cultivate and incorporate skills from several fundamental disciplines of the visual arts into a themed body of work for exhibition, Mr. Andreison said, “Basically, before I knew it, it was due, like, the next morning so I found some classical stuff on iTunes, turned on that annoying “Visualizer” option and had the whole thing printed out in like 45 minutes.” He added, “I used to think that feature was so stupid, unless you're high, but it really saved my ass this time.”

Mr. Andreison, upon being asked what remarks, if any, his faculty project advisor had about his submission, replied, “I've got a meeting with [my advisor] this afternoon so we'll see, but he barely even knows how to use email so I think I'm pretty safe.”