Nation's bears unite against Colbert candidacy

Television personality Stephen Colbert, host of “The Colbert Report” on the Comedy Central cable network, announced his candidacy for the presidency on Wednesday. Early polls suggest the cagey, often delusional right wing pundit may have a serious chance at contending in both the Republican and Democratic primaries in South Carolina, his home state and the only primary he intends to enter.

In response to Mr. Colbert's startling meteoric rise one group of indigenous American non-voters, often publicly ridiculed by the former T.V. news reporter, has coalesced against his campaign: Bears.

Though usually quiet, solitary, apolitical individuals the members of BACPEC (Bears Against Colbert's Presidential Election Campaign) have rallied around several key points of opposition.

“Mr. Colbert has, on numerous occasions, vociferously expressed his extreme dislike for our lot based on nothing more than stereotype, sensational rumor and innuendo,” said a six foot tall, 500 pound Montana black bear who wished to remain anonymous and androgynous, also calling Colbert's candidacy an affront to everything America stands for, saying the host regularly advocates for “our total extermination” on his show.

Additional points of contention apparently include Mr. Colbert's relatively weak wrists, minimal body hair and a lack of understanding for hibernatory lifestyles. “He's very close minded if you ask me,” said Tatqiq, a 500 pound female polar bear with the San Diego zoo.

Mr. Colbert will have a few months of respite from BACPEC's attacks thanks to the approach of winter but any campaign stops in the Northwest this spring may contain interesting and bloody challenges for the new presidential candidate.

“We don't like his ears,” added one member of the group, a 9-foot, 1,400 pound Kodiak from Wyoming who also did not give his/her name or gender. “They're asymmetrical and it makes us nervous.”

(Mr. Colbert's campaign did not reply to emailed request for a response sent immediately prior to the publishing deadline.)