SCOREBOARD

ISU 14 KSU 23
LSU 0 LSD 0*
FBI 3 CIA 56
(*delayed due to
purple frog rain)

Meat eaters worse for the environment than Hummer drivers

Animal rights groups have been touting a United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization report issued last fall which states that the livestock business generates more greenhouse gases than all forms of transportation combined. Advertising campaigns are springing up informing consumers that switching to a plant based diet is better for the environment than switching from a Hummer to a Camry.

Backlash to such campaigns, seen by some as opportunistic, was inevitable. Kevin Binkle of Houston is one of a growing number of rabidly carnivorous anti-environmentalist auto mechanics across the nation who have opened specialty garages offering to modify customer's S.U.V.'s to run, not on gasoline, but on meat. “We can do the switch in about four hours. Six if you want the chicken option, too.” Mr. Binkle says every one of his customers so far has been pleased. “They're totally happy. They can fill up at the McDonald's drive-through while they get lunch. And mileage is pretty similar too. Sixteen to twenty miles per Big Mac patty. You do gotta scrape the special sauce off real good, though, 'cause it tends to clog the valves.” But even he agrees only the most die hard greenhouse-rejecting meat-glutton will likely invest in the expensive vehicle alteration.

Hoping to cater to the poorer but no less devoted beef-loving tree-haters are bio-fuel entrepreneurs like Donald Calhoun from Jackson, Mississippi. Dr. Calhoun is working on a fermentation technique which turns cattle directly into ethanol. “The animal rights camp argues that it takes more fossil fuels to raise a single head of beef cattle than the average American car burns in a year. I'm a scientist. So I say the obvious solution is to get that energy back in the most efficient manner possible.” He admits the development is still in its early stages but he hopes to secure governmental funding for further research. “My dream would be to some day march 'em dogies up the ramp on one end while filling the tanker trucks on the other end. But that Xanadu is a few years away.”

Katie Couric to pull first Iraq tour

This is a rush transcript from an interview with our Middle East correspondent, Bryce Macombe. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
... ... ...
Walter Jefferies (HHWT News Anchor): Good morning Bryce.

Bryce Macombe (Baghdad): Well, it's Baghdad so I don't know about 'good' but it is morning. That's for sure. What?! You guys can't figure out the time change? It's not bad enough I gotta sleep in Kevlar and diapers? Now I gotta drag my ass outta bed at 4AM for a fluff piece?!

WJ: Sorry. Sorry about that, Bryce. We're, all of us here very appreciative of your sacrifices, but I wouldn't call Katie Couric visiting Ira... Wait. Wait. Diapers? Why're you sleeping in diapers?

BM: Burrito night in the Greenzone, Walt. You do not want to make a rush visit to the latrine at 1am after 250 marines stormed that beachhead. Talk about IED! Whoa! Trust me on this one, Walt.

WJ: Okay, okay, Bryce. That's fine. Listen. What's the word on the ground about Katie Couric's first visit to Iraq? Is there excitement over it? Are people excited?

BM: Very much, Walt. I tell ya, everyone is looking forward to the reinforcements her division will bring. Ever since the surge started everybody here has been pulling double patrol duty and working 18 hour...

WJ: Bryce! Bryce! Wait a minute! What do you mean her division? She's going to anchor the CBS Nightly News from Baghdad, isn't she?

BM: What? Nooo, Walt. Her National Guard division was called up. Yeah, she's a weekend warrior! The fightin' 42nd. Well... now she'll be a fifteen month warrior, but that's what they've been training for all these years, right?

WJ: You're kidding me! She's going to Iraq as a soldier?! How is that possible? What could she possibly do there?

BM: Yeah Walt! That's right! She's special ops! The commanders I've talked to are pretty tight lipped about mission details. Something about 'infiltrating insurgent strongholds' with 'disarming perkiness' or something. Pshhh! I don't know. She does have killer legs though, Walt! Am I right or am I right, huh?!

WJ: Yes she does have great legs, you are right about that Bryce. Listen, we have to go but one last question. If she's gonna be serving in Iraq for the next year, any word on her replacement in the anchor chair at CBS?

BM: Ummm...Ohhh. Yeah, I see what your drivin' at big guy. Yeah sure. Like you gotta prayer. Pffh! Keep dreamin' Walty! I've seen your calves. No chance, baby!

WJ: Well, alright. Okay then Bryce. Good talking to you. Stay safe over there.

BM: Yeah. Sure. Hey! Could you send some Desenex 'cause I'm really startin' to chafe...

WJ: We'll get right on that, Bryce. HHWT News signing off.

Gonzales resigns

At a press conference on Monday the embattled Attorney General announced his resignation. Long seen by many in congress as too partisan for the position and accused of, among other things, co-opting the power of the government to win elections and general ineptitude in the management of the Justice Department, Mr. Gonzales' resignation had been widely anticipated in Washington for some time. When asked how he ultimately came to the conclusion to leave his post Mr. Gonzales replied that he did not recall, saying, “I recall making a decision. I just don't recall how or when the decision was made."

Vatican starts own low-fare airline

In an attempt to bring heavenly fares down to earth for religious pilgrims the Vatican recently announced it has started its own charter airline. The inaugural flight included Italian notables and reporters among the vacationing devout. In a preflight press conference Rev. Cesare Eruita of the Vatican's pilgrimage office reassured passengers that safety features would not be compromised on the budget flights. “In the event of loss of cabin pressure last rites will be administered row by row, illuminated crucifixes guide passengers to the nearest emergency exits, and should a water landing become necessary everyone's seat cushion is embroidered with Matthew 14:22-34,” Father Eruita said. In addition, for those passengers unconcerned by the whole camel-through-the-eye-of-a-needle-thing, a limited amount of roomier first class seating is available complete with padded kneelers.

Initial passenger response has been mixed. First-time pilgrim Dominic Romani complained about shoddy service. “We took off like 45 minutes late, and the complimentary snack was this scrap of stale bread. I mean give me some peanuts at least! Sure the booze was free but it was, like, barely a sip, and they made everyone drink from the same glass. Gross!” Father Eruita stressed that bringing low-cost transportation to holy sites around the world might require some sacrifices. Many passengers, however, seemed reluctant to agree. Sister Maria Colatura's experience was typical. “When they wheeled that tabernacle down the aisle there was absolutely no room to squeeze by. I'm sorry but, God as my witness, I had to go! And the rosary as in-light entertainment?! This airline totally blows.”

Mighty Chinese industrial dragon roars, then collapses in asthmatic coughing fit

The burgeoning Chinese industrial complex has been fueling unprecedented economic growth in that country for decades. Many outside China, however, fear if growth continues unchecked the environmental costs may eventually lead to disastrous and potentially irreversible consequences. China's urban centers already have air pollution levels several times worse than European Union health standards allow. Yin Jinqiang, a spokesperson for the Chinese government's environmental agency took umbrage with such criticism. “These last decades of growth have lifted millions out of poverty through job creation. And that's just due to the explosion in needed health care workers,” he stated through both an interpreter and a cloth surgical mask. “I, myself, was hospitalized over a dozen times last year alone,” Mr. Jinqiang continued, “And we've also seen record job growth in the small business sector, too, spearheaded by the service industry. Specifically the mortuary service industry but we hope to see similar trends in other areas.”

Oldest Diamond

Geologists have found the world's oldest diamonds in Western Australia. The gems, which were radio dated to between 3 and 4 billion years old, formed over a billion years before the next oldest example: Zsa Zsa Gabor's engagement ring (from her first marriage). The extreme age of the diamonds was described as a boon for researchers, apparently proving the earth had a solid crust much sooner than previously thought. The rare stones, however, shed no new light on the exact age of the solid crust in Senator Robert C. Byrd's (D-W. Va) undershorts which is believed to have formed at least 3.5 billion years ago.

Cosmic Chasm

Astronomers from Minnesota have found the largest hole in the universe. It's more than a billion lightyears across and contains no stars, galaxies, or even dark matter. The astronomers expressed regret over their discovery, one stating, “Oh great! Now for the next decade of my career I'm stuck studying, to one part in a billion, nothing!” The scientists discovered the hole, which appears to be completely lacking of any substance, by studying a sky survey done by the National Radio Astronomy Observatory. Apparently the only signals detected in the great void were old broadcasts of "Imus in the Morning."

Enceladus to piss all over Cassini spacecraft

In a flyby scheduled for March of 2008 the Cassini spacecraft will come within 62 miles of the southern pole of Saturn's moon, Enceladus. The move will allow a close-up inspection of streams believed to be made up of water spurting out from the moon under pressure. The streams, discovered two years ago, could spray Cassini during the pass possibly causing damage to some of its more sensitive components. The mission is believed to be the first interplanetary golden shower undertaken by a robotic spacecraft. Such showers are commonplace in high Earth orbit where shuttle and space station crew routinely evacuate human waste storage receptacles, pissing all over us.