Afghanistan poppy eradication

The government of Afghanistan is considering a national policy to spray herbicide on its copious illegal poppy crops. The policy, long backed by the Bush administration, finally appears to have enough domestic support to be seriously instituted, which would mean the world's supply of heroin and opium, 80 percent of which originates in the country, could be drastically curbed.

“Those vast Afghan poppy fields have gently lulled the world's citizens to sleep long enough. It's time to put an end to their fragrantly alluring somniferous effects,” said Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice adding, “If we don't get to Kabul in time [Vice President Dick] Cheney will never be able to get a new heart, the President will be forever stuck without a brain, and [Defense] Secretary [Robert] Gates won't have the courage to get us out of Iraq.”

“After we have this poppy situation under control we'll turn our attention to curbing the Taliban's army of flying monkeys,” concluded Secretary Rice, who then closed her eyes tightly and began clicking her heels while repeating, “There's no place like Stanford. There's no place like Stanford.”

House to vote on Native American Genocide resolution

The House of Representatives is to bring a non-binding resolution before Congress declaring Native American extermination and relocation policies during 19th century U.S. westward expansion as “genocide.” The House Committee on Indian Affairs passed the measure 40-3 even though President Bush and other key administration officials were vocally opposed to its timing.

The president, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the establishment of such resolution at this time would destabilize relations with the most important member of the coalition in the “global war on terror,” referring to the U.S.

“We all deeply regret the tragic suffering of Native Americans throughout the 1800s and as a result of the policies of Manifest Destiny. This resolution is not the right response to those historic mass killings and land evictions,” the President said at the White House. He urged against the symbolic measure on the grounds that it may cause “great harm to relations with ourselves, the most important nation in the war on terror.”

Secretary Gates said good relations with the U.S. are vital because “nearly all, if not all, air cargo intended for U.S. forces in Iraq originates here and all the fuel consumed by our forces comes from the U.S.” Military commanders, Secretary Gates said, “believe clearly that access to airfields and roads and so on in the U.S. would very much be put at risk if this resolution passes and the U.S. reacts strongly as we believe they will.”

A vote on the resolution is tentatively scheduled for late October.

Cute little bomb hurts, oh, maybe a dozen in fledgling terrorist-wannabe nation of Maldives

Local Male authorities arrested seven men in connection with a cute little home-made bomb explosion in a park which ended up wounding, say, 12 foreign tourists nearly all of them slightly. “It's just adorable,” exclaimed a beaming Iraq, “to see this little guy trying to act all grown up.” Pakistan agreed saying, “Those first few wobbly steps on the road to full blown terrorist hotbed are so precious that it just makes you wanna pick him up and squeeze him.”

The bomb, described by a government spokesman as amateurish, was packed with nails and detonated in a lovely public park. “You really have to cherish these first fleeting moments because they grow up so fast,” reminisced Libya. “Before you know it there'll be hundreds dead from a C4-packed tanker truck explosion in a crowded market during the Pilgrimage.”

Denver purportedly in midst of blizzard-induced baby boom

Denver area hospitals are reporting a baby boom roughly nine months after two winter storms buried the state capitol for days. The extended closure of roads, schools and businesses coupled with the inhospitable outdoor weather apparently lead to more people fucking each other than is usual for that time of the year. The increased occurrences of intercourse nine months ago in turn lead to increased occurrences of conception and ultimately a higher than normal number of births for early autumn.

Resident Sylvia Magery told the Denver Sun Post that she has a newborn because she stayed inside with her husband during the storms. “It was cold and we took a bath together and one thing just led to another,” she told the newspaper implying she and her husband fucked each other, “and now we have a new bundle of joy.”

The new families are being given T-shirts proudly proclaiming the little ones “Blizzard Babies” though the hospital staff could not decide on a similarly descriptive alliterative title for their parents, being split between the less-than-appealing choices of “Frozen Fornicators,” “Whiteout Whoopie-Makers,” and “Snowstorm Sex-Havers.”

It is too early to tell whether the actual birth statistics will support the blizzard baby boom contention. University of North Carolina researcher Angie Hearstfeld, who has discounted previous boom claims, is skeptical. “When the media dust has settled and you go back over the numbers it's usually not significant,” said Dr. Hearstfeld. “Whether its a blizzard or a big city blackout people generally seem to fuck at the same rate as on non-anomalous days.”

Millions of pounds of contaminated beefcake recalled

In one of the largest recalls of its kind in the nation's history, 22.7 million pounds of contaminated U.S. grade A beefcake are to be pulled from circulation. The beefcake recall includes all Mr. Universe contestants, 80% of the nation's tanned and glistening male lifeguards, 15% of its shirtless cattle ranchers and nearly three quarters of its bare-chested, suspender-wearing fire fighters.

The hot and steamy beefcake is reportedly contaminated with E. coli bacterium which can cause severe diarrhea and cramps as well as other complications.

It is likely the recall will further depress the long slumping housing and auto markets since one in four toned and chiseled construction workers and a fifth of all sweaty, oiled up car mechanics have been reportedly affected as well.

“Because the health and safety of our citizens is our top priority, we are taking these expansive measures,” said Jenny Lovemire, spokesperson for the assistant secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. Ms. Lovemire said consumers should wash hands thoroughly if they believe they have handled contaminated hunky beefcake.

The current beefcake debacle is the most expansive recall of man-flesh since 28 million pounds of tainted plumbers was taken off the streets in the crack epidemic of 1991.

Consumers seem to be accepting the recall in stride. Atlanta resident Katie Leebee expressed resignation over the incident. “We were supposed to take our friend Alyssa to a Chippendale's show for her bachelorette party,” said Ms Leebee, “but I guess we'll all just stay at my apartment and watch reruns of 'Brothers & Sisters' and 'Desperate Housewives'."

News of the Day in Brief Run-on Sentences

Monday, October 1st, 2007
World
U.N. envoy to meet Myanmar's militant leader to express outrage over a violent crackdown on pro-democracy marchers during which several were killed, while in Darfur even the peacekeeping forces are attacked and forced to flee their makeshift camps after several killed, and Jesus Christ, a fucking volcano fucking erupts in Red Sea off coast of fucking Yemen... killing several.

Nation
President of Duke University apologizes to lacrosse team for ever believing that, that... woman, while Supreme Court plots course to require ownership of fully automatic assault weapons by all U.S. citizens, legalize extradition of any Aunt Sally the government sees fit to be tortured endlessly in a dank eastern European C.I.A. gulag, mandate death penalty for all felonies and overturn Roe v. Wade by June, while woman in custody at the Phoenix airport apparently accidentally strangles self trying to escape from handcuffs behind her back (okay readers, take a minute and try doing this yourself and you'll smell the same rat HHWT-News smells).

Local
DUI, DUI, DUI, domestic assault, boring city council meeting attended because of that one hot stenographer, domestic assault, tree struck by lightning now looks and smells like Virgin Mary, DUI.

Scientists predict artificial life within next decade, student claims life already created in back of fridge

A small group of scientists in the field of “wet artificial life” have been making big strides lately and experts predict they are within ten years of achieving their fundamental goal: creating life from its basic organic building blocks.

“It's going to be a big deal and everyone's going to know about it,” said Mario Bedio, chief operating officer of ProtoLife in Venice, Italy. “We're talking about a technology that could change our world in ways that are impossible to predict. And it's only years away.”

However, Ross Bennett, a junior finance major at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign has made the startling claim of having already created artificial life. “Jenna said I had to clean out my fridge before she'd come over again 'cuz it was so gross and that's when I found it,” said Mr. Bennett referring to his discovery. “It was in a little round Tupperware container way at the back, behind the half empty can of baked beans and a big shriveled eggplant, which my roommate got like two months ago and hasn't done shit with.”

When asked to elaborate on his discovery Mr. Bennett described it as “blue” and “like somethin' outta Star Trek.” Mr. Bennett continued, ”You know that episode where they land on that planet with the supersized flyin' brain cells that suck Spock senseless. It's like one a them supersize flyin' braincells, only fuzzy. Anyway I know it's artificial 'cuz I haven't eaten anything blue in, like, ages. Since Ronny's twenty-first birthday when we did those blueberry schnapps and Malibu jello shots.”

When informed of the unsubstantiated claim, Dr. Bedio surmised it was probably not artificial at all but merely the bloom of some latent mold spores already present on the food before it was sealed.

“For real?” responded Mr. Bennett. “You mean I ate that shit? Fuckin' gross!”