Nation's bears unite against Colbert candidacy

Television personality Stephen Colbert, host of “The Colbert Report” on the Comedy Central cable network, announced his candidacy for the presidency on Wednesday. Early polls suggest the cagey, often delusional right wing pundit may have a serious chance at contending in both the Republican and Democratic primaries in South Carolina, his home state and the only primary he intends to enter.

In response to Mr. Colbert's startling meteoric rise one group of indigenous American non-voters, often publicly ridiculed by the former T.V. news reporter, has coalesced against his campaign: Bears.

Though usually quiet, solitary, apolitical individuals the members of BACPEC (Bears Against Colbert's Presidential Election Campaign) have rallied around several key points of opposition.

“Mr. Colbert has, on numerous occasions, vociferously expressed his extreme dislike for our lot based on nothing more than stereotype, sensational rumor and innuendo,” said a six foot tall, 500 pound Montana black bear who wished to remain anonymous and androgynous, also calling Colbert's candidacy an affront to everything America stands for, saying the host regularly advocates for “our total extermination” on his show.

Additional points of contention apparently include Mr. Colbert's relatively weak wrists, minimal body hair and a lack of understanding for hibernatory lifestyles. “He's very close minded if you ask me,” said Tatqiq, a 500 pound female polar bear with the San Diego zoo.

Mr. Colbert will have a few months of respite from BACPEC's attacks thanks to the approach of winter but any campaign stops in the Northwest this spring may contain interesting and bloody challenges for the new presidential candidate.

“We don't like his ears,” added one member of the group, a 9-foot, 1,400 pound Kodiak from Wyoming who also did not give his/her name or gender. “They're asymmetrical and it makes us nervous.”

(Mr. Colbert's campaign did not reply to emailed request for a response sent immediately prior to the publishing deadline.)

Wal-Mart unveils new low-price, store-brand stock

Wal-Mart CEO Lee Scott is expected to reveal the company's newest retail strategy at its annual two-day meeting with investors and analysts underway this week. In a press release on Monday, the usually secretive Mr. Scott threw some light on the giant retailer's plan calling it “a natural extension of our great tradition of cutting costs and shifting the savings on to our consumers.”

“Those of us at Wal-Mart have been working round the clock to expand overambitiously in already retail-saturated domestic sectors, weaken growth in same-store sales, and tarnish our business name through sundry quasi-scandals all so that we can offer the low-to-middle income investor the most competitive retail store stock price on the market,” said Mr. Scott.

“Their efforts appear to be working,” said analyst Graem Charles of J. P. Morgan. “They have already reduced the price of Wal-Mart stock nearly 5 percent since 2000 while their competitor's prices have steadily risen, some over 100%, during the same period.” Mr. Charles expressed confidence that if the current leader in the retail world could just keep sales growth below 2% through the crucial upcoming holiday season they might be able to offer the some of the lowest priced stock anywhere come January of next year.

Bush asks Congress for billions more for wars

President Bush called on Congress today to approve $46 billion in additional war spending, the vast majority of which is meant for Iraq. Speaking from the White House Mr. Bush urged lawmakers to “do what it takes to support our troops and protect our people.”

“Listen, you know I wouldn't ask for this if I didn't really need it, right? You know that. C'mon. The last thing I wanna do is put you in this position. But I've got no choice. I've got no one else I can ask. It's only you, baby. Listen, I'll make it up to you. I will. I promise. And you know I'm good for it. C'mon. Whadaya say? I know we've been through this before, I know that. But whada you want me to do, huh? Raise taxes? Sell war bonds? Ration Kevlar for christsake?! Oh baby don't... I'm sorry. No, c'mon. Don't be like that. C'mon. I'm sorry. Hey. Congress. Congress! Con! Don't be like that, Con! You know I hate doin' this to ya. You know that, Con. If there were any other way, baby. I swear. But you're it. You're all I got, baby. Baby, just think about it. That's all I'm askin'. Think about it for a while, that's all. I don't want you to do anything you don't wanna do, girl. You know that. Think about it and let me know, aight? You're all I got, baby. You're the one,” explained Mr. Bush.

Minutes after the president spoke, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) warned Mr. Bush that Congress would not just “rubber-stamp” the supplemental request. Mr. Reid compared the estimated $650 billion total cost of the unpopular Iraq war thus far with the bipartisan $60 billion children's health care bill which Mr. Bush recently vetoed and which would have been paid for by an increase in cigarette taxes.

“You're always doing this. If it's something you need I'm supposed to be there for you. But when it comes to my needs it just seems like you couldn't care less? No, I'm not saying you don't care. I'm saying that's what it feels like to me based on your actions. Like when I tell you I'm too busy to see you and you call me up anyway and say 'let's get together'. It feels like you don't respect me and what I'm trying to do with my life. Why should I care anymore what you want? Huh? Why? Give me one good reason. All you give a damn about anymore is yourself and your stupid war. You want my help? Yeah, like you've got a prayer.”

Bush tries to convince Turkey to stay out of Iraq

The Bush administration has been working to dissuade Turkey from crossing over the northern Iraq border in an effort to quell Kurdish rebel attacks stemming from there. In a phone conversation with Turkish Foreign Minister Ali Babacan, President Bush said that invading Iraq would be a “serious misstep” in the advance toward eventual peace in the region.

“Ali? Dubya here. Buddy. Listen. Dude. You totally do not wanna invade that country... Yeah... No. Trust me on this one," Mr. Bush reportedly advised Minister Babacan. "I mean, attacking an unstable Islamic country with a long and bloody past of internal sectarian rivalries against the advice and wishes of nearly all other nations on earth at perhaps the most sensitive period in recent Mideast history? Are you mad? What leader in their right mind would do such a... I mean it's not as if attacks on your homeland originated directly from within Iraq... uh... um, oh I think that was my call waiting. Gotta go man. Talk to ya later.”

House Armenian Genocide Vote

A House committee Wednesday evening narrowly approved a resolution that labels the killings of 1.5 million Armenians by Turkish forces during and after World War I as “genocide.” The House Committee on Foreign Affairs passed the measure 27-21 even though the administration was strenuously opposed to it. President Bush has said such a resolution would seriously disrupt Turkish-U.S. relations.

Turkey has been an important U.S. ally in the Iraq war largely through granting use of its bases, infrastructure and airspace. Turkish officials have strongly indicated that their government takes serious offense to the measure before the House and that consequences would follow were it to pass.

The American people appear ambivalent over the matter.

“On the one hand, yes, it is important to face up to history and recognize the perpetration of past genocides in order to better avoid them in the future,” explained Trixie Jacobson, 20, of Denver, “but the timing of this measure against Turkey just doesn't sit right with me, it being so close to Thanksgiving and all.”

Ms Jacobson continued, “I mean what's next? A Christmas eve vote on a symbolic resolution recognizing the North Pole's national passive antisemitism?!”

Fine Art major's entire honors project just screencaps of iTunes Visualizer option

Undergraduate Fine Art major Drew Andreison recently submitted his senior honors project consisting of 11 Kinko's color prints of screen caps of Apple's iTunes “Visualizer” feature in “Full Screen” mode.

“I meant to do these really cool abstract photo collages of some of the unique little spots around campus that most people don't even know about, like that pond behind the student union, but I could only find like two,” explained Mr. Andreison, adding, “plus the light was only right at like eight in the morning which was just not gonna happen... at least not this week.”

When asked about his inspiration for the comprehensive 18-month long, faculty-guided project, which is designed to give highly self-motivated advanced students the impetus to cultivate and incorporate skills from several fundamental disciplines of the visual arts into a themed body of work for exhibition, Mr. Andreison said, “Basically, before I knew it, it was due, like, the next morning so I found some classical stuff on iTunes, turned on that annoying “Visualizer” option and had the whole thing printed out in like 45 minutes.” He added, “I used to think that feature was so stupid, unless you're high, but it really saved my ass this time.”

Mr. Andreison, upon being asked what remarks, if any, his faculty project advisor had about his submission, replied, “I've got a meeting with [my advisor] this afternoon so we'll see, but he barely even knows how to use email so I think I'm pretty safe.”

Afghanistan poppy eradication

The government of Afghanistan is considering a national policy to spray herbicide on its copious illegal poppy crops. The policy, long backed by the Bush administration, finally appears to have enough domestic support to be seriously instituted, which would mean the world's supply of heroin and opium, 80 percent of which originates in the country, could be drastically curbed.

“Those vast Afghan poppy fields have gently lulled the world's citizens to sleep long enough. It's time to put an end to their fragrantly alluring somniferous effects,” said Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice adding, “If we don't get to Kabul in time [Vice President Dick] Cheney will never be able to get a new heart, the President will be forever stuck without a brain, and [Defense] Secretary [Robert] Gates won't have the courage to get us out of Iraq.”

“After we have this poppy situation under control we'll turn our attention to curbing the Taliban's army of flying monkeys,” concluded Secretary Rice, who then closed her eyes tightly and began clicking her heels while repeating, “There's no place like Stanford. There's no place like Stanford.”

House to vote on Native American Genocide resolution

The House of Representatives is to bring a non-binding resolution before Congress declaring Native American extermination and relocation policies during 19th century U.S. westward expansion as “genocide.” The House Committee on Indian Affairs passed the measure 40-3 even though President Bush and other key administration officials were vocally opposed to its timing.

The president, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the establishment of such resolution at this time would destabilize relations with the most important member of the coalition in the “global war on terror,” referring to the U.S.

“We all deeply regret the tragic suffering of Native Americans throughout the 1800s and as a result of the policies of Manifest Destiny. This resolution is not the right response to those historic mass killings and land evictions,” the President said at the White House. He urged against the symbolic measure on the grounds that it may cause “great harm to relations with ourselves, the most important nation in the war on terror.”

Secretary Gates said good relations with the U.S. are vital because “nearly all, if not all, air cargo intended for U.S. forces in Iraq originates here and all the fuel consumed by our forces comes from the U.S.” Military commanders, Secretary Gates said, “believe clearly that access to airfields and roads and so on in the U.S. would very much be put at risk if this resolution passes and the U.S. reacts strongly as we believe they will.”

A vote on the resolution is tentatively scheduled for late October.

Cute little bomb hurts, oh, maybe a dozen in fledgling terrorist-wannabe nation of Maldives

Local Male authorities arrested seven men in connection with a cute little home-made bomb explosion in a park which ended up wounding, say, 12 foreign tourists nearly all of them slightly. “It's just adorable,” exclaimed a beaming Iraq, “to see this little guy trying to act all grown up.” Pakistan agreed saying, “Those first few wobbly steps on the road to full blown terrorist hotbed are so precious that it just makes you wanna pick him up and squeeze him.”

The bomb, described by a government spokesman as amateurish, was packed with nails and detonated in a lovely public park. “You really have to cherish these first fleeting moments because they grow up so fast,” reminisced Libya. “Before you know it there'll be hundreds dead from a C4-packed tanker truck explosion in a crowded market during the Pilgrimage.”

Denver purportedly in midst of blizzard-induced baby boom

Denver area hospitals are reporting a baby boom roughly nine months after two winter storms buried the state capitol for days. The extended closure of roads, schools and businesses coupled with the inhospitable outdoor weather apparently lead to more people fucking each other than is usual for that time of the year. The increased occurrences of intercourse nine months ago in turn lead to increased occurrences of conception and ultimately a higher than normal number of births for early autumn.

Resident Sylvia Magery told the Denver Sun Post that she has a newborn because she stayed inside with her husband during the storms. “It was cold and we took a bath together and one thing just led to another,” she told the newspaper implying she and her husband fucked each other, “and now we have a new bundle of joy.”

The new families are being given T-shirts proudly proclaiming the little ones “Blizzard Babies” though the hospital staff could not decide on a similarly descriptive alliterative title for their parents, being split between the less-than-appealing choices of “Frozen Fornicators,” “Whiteout Whoopie-Makers,” and “Snowstorm Sex-Havers.”

It is too early to tell whether the actual birth statistics will support the blizzard baby boom contention. University of North Carolina researcher Angie Hearstfeld, who has discounted previous boom claims, is skeptical. “When the media dust has settled and you go back over the numbers it's usually not significant,” said Dr. Hearstfeld. “Whether its a blizzard or a big city blackout people generally seem to fuck at the same rate as on non-anomalous days.”

Millions of pounds of contaminated beefcake recalled

In one of the largest recalls of its kind in the nation's history, 22.7 million pounds of contaminated U.S. grade A beefcake are to be pulled from circulation. The beefcake recall includes all Mr. Universe contestants, 80% of the nation's tanned and glistening male lifeguards, 15% of its shirtless cattle ranchers and nearly three quarters of its bare-chested, suspender-wearing fire fighters.

The hot and steamy beefcake is reportedly contaminated with E. coli bacterium which can cause severe diarrhea and cramps as well as other complications.

It is likely the recall will further depress the long slumping housing and auto markets since one in four toned and chiseled construction workers and a fifth of all sweaty, oiled up car mechanics have been reportedly affected as well.

“Because the health and safety of our citizens is our top priority, we are taking these expansive measures,” said Jenny Lovemire, spokesperson for the assistant secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. Ms. Lovemire said consumers should wash hands thoroughly if they believe they have handled contaminated hunky beefcake.

The current beefcake debacle is the most expansive recall of man-flesh since 28 million pounds of tainted plumbers was taken off the streets in the crack epidemic of 1991.

Consumers seem to be accepting the recall in stride. Atlanta resident Katie Leebee expressed resignation over the incident. “We were supposed to take our friend Alyssa to a Chippendale's show for her bachelorette party,” said Ms Leebee, “but I guess we'll all just stay at my apartment and watch reruns of 'Brothers & Sisters' and 'Desperate Housewives'."

News of the Day in Brief Run-on Sentences

Monday, October 1st, 2007
World
U.N. envoy to meet Myanmar's militant leader to express outrage over a violent crackdown on pro-democracy marchers during which several were killed, while in Darfur even the peacekeeping forces are attacked and forced to flee their makeshift camps after several killed, and Jesus Christ, a fucking volcano fucking erupts in Red Sea off coast of fucking Yemen... killing several.

Nation
President of Duke University apologizes to lacrosse team for ever believing that, that... woman, while Supreme Court plots course to require ownership of fully automatic assault weapons by all U.S. citizens, legalize extradition of any Aunt Sally the government sees fit to be tortured endlessly in a dank eastern European C.I.A. gulag, mandate death penalty for all felonies and overturn Roe v. Wade by June, while woman in custody at the Phoenix airport apparently accidentally strangles self trying to escape from handcuffs behind her back (okay readers, take a minute and try doing this yourself and you'll smell the same rat HHWT-News smells).

Local
DUI, DUI, DUI, domestic assault, boring city council meeting attended because of that one hot stenographer, domestic assault, tree struck by lightning now looks and smells like Virgin Mary, DUI.