Nation's bears unite against Colbert candidacy

Television personality Stephen Colbert, host of “The Colbert Report” on the Comedy Central cable network, announced his candidacy for the presidency on Wednesday. Early polls suggest the cagey, often delusional right wing pundit may have a serious chance at contending in both the Republican and Democratic primaries in South Carolina, his home state and the only primary he intends to enter.

In response to Mr. Colbert's startling meteoric rise one group of indigenous American non-voters, often publicly ridiculed by the former T.V. news reporter, has coalesced against his campaign: Bears.

Though usually quiet, solitary, apolitical individuals the members of BACPEC (Bears Against Colbert's Presidential Election Campaign) have rallied around several key points of opposition.

“Mr. Colbert has, on numerous occasions, vociferously expressed his extreme dislike for our lot based on nothing more than stereotype, sensational rumor and innuendo,” said a six foot tall, 500 pound Montana black bear who wished to remain anonymous and androgynous, also calling Colbert's candidacy an affront to everything America stands for, saying the host regularly advocates for “our total extermination” on his show.

Additional points of contention apparently include Mr. Colbert's relatively weak wrists, minimal body hair and a lack of understanding for hibernatory lifestyles. “He's very close minded if you ask me,” said Tatqiq, a 500 pound female polar bear with the San Diego zoo.

Mr. Colbert will have a few months of respite from BACPEC's attacks thanks to the approach of winter but any campaign stops in the Northwest this spring may contain interesting and bloody challenges for the new presidential candidate.

“We don't like his ears,” added one member of the group, a 9-foot, 1,400 pound Kodiak from Wyoming who also did not give his/her name or gender. “They're asymmetrical and it makes us nervous.”

(Mr. Colbert's campaign did not reply to emailed request for a response sent immediately prior to the publishing deadline.)

Wal-Mart unveils new low-price, store-brand stock

Wal-Mart CEO Lee Scott is expected to reveal the company's newest retail strategy at its annual two-day meeting with investors and analysts underway this week. In a press release on Monday, the usually secretive Mr. Scott threw some light on the giant retailer's plan calling it “a natural extension of our great tradition of cutting costs and shifting the savings on to our consumers.”

“Those of us at Wal-Mart have been working round the clock to expand overambitiously in already retail-saturated domestic sectors, weaken growth in same-store sales, and tarnish our business name through sundry quasi-scandals all so that we can offer the low-to-middle income investor the most competitive retail store stock price on the market,” said Mr. Scott.

“Their efforts appear to be working,” said analyst Graem Charles of J. P. Morgan. “They have already reduced the price of Wal-Mart stock nearly 5 percent since 2000 while their competitor's prices have steadily risen, some over 100%, during the same period.” Mr. Charles expressed confidence that if the current leader in the retail world could just keep sales growth below 2% through the crucial upcoming holiday season they might be able to offer the some of the lowest priced stock anywhere come January of next year.

Bush asks Congress for billions more for wars

President Bush called on Congress today to approve $46 billion in additional war spending, the vast majority of which is meant for Iraq. Speaking from the White House Mr. Bush urged lawmakers to “do what it takes to support our troops and protect our people.”

“Listen, you know I wouldn't ask for this if I didn't really need it, right? You know that. C'mon. The last thing I wanna do is put you in this position. But I've got no choice. I've got no one else I can ask. It's only you, baby. Listen, I'll make it up to you. I will. I promise. And you know I'm good for it. C'mon. Whadaya say? I know we've been through this before, I know that. But whada you want me to do, huh? Raise taxes? Sell war bonds? Ration Kevlar for christsake?! Oh baby don't... I'm sorry. No, c'mon. Don't be like that. C'mon. I'm sorry. Hey. Congress. Congress! Con! Don't be like that, Con! You know I hate doin' this to ya. You know that, Con. If there were any other way, baby. I swear. But you're it. You're all I got, baby. Baby, just think about it. That's all I'm askin'. Think about it for a while, that's all. I don't want you to do anything you don't wanna do, girl. You know that. Think about it and let me know, aight? You're all I got, baby. You're the one,” explained Mr. Bush.

Minutes after the president spoke, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) warned Mr. Bush that Congress would not just “rubber-stamp” the supplemental request. Mr. Reid compared the estimated $650 billion total cost of the unpopular Iraq war thus far with the bipartisan $60 billion children's health care bill which Mr. Bush recently vetoed and which would have been paid for by an increase in cigarette taxes.

“You're always doing this. If it's something you need I'm supposed to be there for you. But when it comes to my needs it just seems like you couldn't care less? No, I'm not saying you don't care. I'm saying that's what it feels like to me based on your actions. Like when I tell you I'm too busy to see you and you call me up anyway and say 'let's get together'. It feels like you don't respect me and what I'm trying to do with my life. Why should I care anymore what you want? Huh? Why? Give me one good reason. All you give a damn about anymore is yourself and your stupid war. You want my help? Yeah, like you've got a prayer.”

Bush tries to convince Turkey to stay out of Iraq

The Bush administration has been working to dissuade Turkey from crossing over the northern Iraq border in an effort to quell Kurdish rebel attacks stemming from there. In a phone conversation with Turkish Foreign Minister Ali Babacan, President Bush said that invading Iraq would be a “serious misstep” in the advance toward eventual peace in the region.

“Ali? Dubya here. Buddy. Listen. Dude. You totally do not wanna invade that country... Yeah... No. Trust me on this one," Mr. Bush reportedly advised Minister Babacan. "I mean, attacking an unstable Islamic country with a long and bloody past of internal sectarian rivalries against the advice and wishes of nearly all other nations on earth at perhaps the most sensitive period in recent Mideast history? Are you mad? What leader in their right mind would do such a... I mean it's not as if attacks on your homeland originated directly from within Iraq... uh... um, oh I think that was my call waiting. Gotta go man. Talk to ya later.”

House Armenian Genocide Vote

A House committee Wednesday evening narrowly approved a resolution that labels the killings of 1.5 million Armenians by Turkish forces during and after World War I as “genocide.” The House Committee on Foreign Affairs passed the measure 27-21 even though the administration was strenuously opposed to it. President Bush has said such a resolution would seriously disrupt Turkish-U.S. relations.

Turkey has been an important U.S. ally in the Iraq war largely through granting use of its bases, infrastructure and airspace. Turkish officials have strongly indicated that their government takes serious offense to the measure before the House and that consequences would follow were it to pass.

The American people appear ambivalent over the matter.

“On the one hand, yes, it is important to face up to history and recognize the perpetration of past genocides in order to better avoid them in the future,” explained Trixie Jacobson, 20, of Denver, “but the timing of this measure against Turkey just doesn't sit right with me, it being so close to Thanksgiving and all.”

Ms Jacobson continued, “I mean what's next? A Christmas eve vote on a symbolic resolution recognizing the North Pole's national passive antisemitism?!”

Fine Art major's entire honors project just screencaps of iTunes Visualizer option

Undergraduate Fine Art major Drew Andreison recently submitted his senior honors project consisting of 11 Kinko's color prints of screen caps of Apple's iTunes “Visualizer” feature in “Full Screen” mode.

“I meant to do these really cool abstract photo collages of some of the unique little spots around campus that most people don't even know about, like that pond behind the student union, but I could only find like two,” explained Mr. Andreison, adding, “plus the light was only right at like eight in the morning which was just not gonna happen... at least not this week.”

When asked about his inspiration for the comprehensive 18-month long, faculty-guided project, which is designed to give highly self-motivated advanced students the impetus to cultivate and incorporate skills from several fundamental disciplines of the visual arts into a themed body of work for exhibition, Mr. Andreison said, “Basically, before I knew it, it was due, like, the next morning so I found some classical stuff on iTunes, turned on that annoying “Visualizer” option and had the whole thing printed out in like 45 minutes.” He added, “I used to think that feature was so stupid, unless you're high, but it really saved my ass this time.”

Mr. Andreison, upon being asked what remarks, if any, his faculty project advisor had about his submission, replied, “I've got a meeting with [my advisor] this afternoon so we'll see, but he barely even knows how to use email so I think I'm pretty safe.”

Afghanistan poppy eradication

The government of Afghanistan is considering a national policy to spray herbicide on its copious illegal poppy crops. The policy, long backed by the Bush administration, finally appears to have enough domestic support to be seriously instituted, which would mean the world's supply of heroin and opium, 80 percent of which originates in the country, could be drastically curbed.

“Those vast Afghan poppy fields have gently lulled the world's citizens to sleep long enough. It's time to put an end to their fragrantly alluring somniferous effects,” said Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice adding, “If we don't get to Kabul in time [Vice President Dick] Cheney will never be able to get a new heart, the President will be forever stuck without a brain, and [Defense] Secretary [Robert] Gates won't have the courage to get us out of Iraq.”

“After we have this poppy situation under control we'll turn our attention to curbing the Taliban's army of flying monkeys,” concluded Secretary Rice, who then closed her eyes tightly and began clicking her heels while repeating, “There's no place like Stanford. There's no place like Stanford.”

House to vote on Native American Genocide resolution

The House of Representatives is to bring a non-binding resolution before Congress declaring Native American extermination and relocation policies during 19th century U.S. westward expansion as “genocide.” The House Committee on Indian Affairs passed the measure 40-3 even though President Bush and other key administration officials were vocally opposed to its timing.

The president, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice and Defense Secretary Robert Gates said the establishment of such resolution at this time would destabilize relations with the most important member of the coalition in the “global war on terror,” referring to the U.S.

“We all deeply regret the tragic suffering of Native Americans throughout the 1800s and as a result of the policies of Manifest Destiny. This resolution is not the right response to those historic mass killings and land evictions,” the President said at the White House. He urged against the symbolic measure on the grounds that it may cause “great harm to relations with ourselves, the most important nation in the war on terror.”

Secretary Gates said good relations with the U.S. are vital because “nearly all, if not all, air cargo intended for U.S. forces in Iraq originates here and all the fuel consumed by our forces comes from the U.S.” Military commanders, Secretary Gates said, “believe clearly that access to airfields and roads and so on in the U.S. would very much be put at risk if this resolution passes and the U.S. reacts strongly as we believe they will.”

A vote on the resolution is tentatively scheduled for late October.

Cute little bomb hurts, oh, maybe a dozen in fledgling terrorist-wannabe nation of Maldives

Local Male authorities arrested seven men in connection with a cute little home-made bomb explosion in a park which ended up wounding, say, 12 foreign tourists nearly all of them slightly. “It's just adorable,” exclaimed a beaming Iraq, “to see this little guy trying to act all grown up.” Pakistan agreed saying, “Those first few wobbly steps on the road to full blown terrorist hotbed are so precious that it just makes you wanna pick him up and squeeze him.”

The bomb, described by a government spokesman as amateurish, was packed with nails and detonated in a lovely public park. “You really have to cherish these first fleeting moments because they grow up so fast,” reminisced Libya. “Before you know it there'll be hundreds dead from a C4-packed tanker truck explosion in a crowded market during the Pilgrimage.”

Denver purportedly in midst of blizzard-induced baby boom

Denver area hospitals are reporting a baby boom roughly nine months after two winter storms buried the state capitol for days. The extended closure of roads, schools and businesses coupled with the inhospitable outdoor weather apparently lead to more people fucking each other than is usual for that time of the year. The increased occurrences of intercourse nine months ago in turn lead to increased occurrences of conception and ultimately a higher than normal number of births for early autumn.

Resident Sylvia Magery told the Denver Sun Post that she has a newborn because she stayed inside with her husband during the storms. “It was cold and we took a bath together and one thing just led to another,” she told the newspaper implying she and her husband fucked each other, “and now we have a new bundle of joy.”

The new families are being given T-shirts proudly proclaiming the little ones “Blizzard Babies” though the hospital staff could not decide on a similarly descriptive alliterative title for their parents, being split between the less-than-appealing choices of “Frozen Fornicators,” “Whiteout Whoopie-Makers,” and “Snowstorm Sex-Havers.”

It is too early to tell whether the actual birth statistics will support the blizzard baby boom contention. University of North Carolina researcher Angie Hearstfeld, who has discounted previous boom claims, is skeptical. “When the media dust has settled and you go back over the numbers it's usually not significant,” said Dr. Hearstfeld. “Whether its a blizzard or a big city blackout people generally seem to fuck at the same rate as on non-anomalous days.”

Millions of pounds of contaminated beefcake recalled

In one of the largest recalls of its kind in the nation's history, 22.7 million pounds of contaminated U.S. grade A beefcake are to be pulled from circulation. The beefcake recall includes all Mr. Universe contestants, 80% of the nation's tanned and glistening male lifeguards, 15% of its shirtless cattle ranchers and nearly three quarters of its bare-chested, suspender-wearing fire fighters.

The hot and steamy beefcake is reportedly contaminated with E. coli bacterium which can cause severe diarrhea and cramps as well as other complications.

It is likely the recall will further depress the long slumping housing and auto markets since one in four toned and chiseled construction workers and a fifth of all sweaty, oiled up car mechanics have been reportedly affected as well.

“Because the health and safety of our citizens is our top priority, we are taking these expansive measures,” said Jenny Lovemire, spokesperson for the assistant secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. Ms. Lovemire said consumers should wash hands thoroughly if they believe they have handled contaminated hunky beefcake.

The current beefcake debacle is the most expansive recall of man-flesh since 28 million pounds of tainted plumbers was taken off the streets in the crack epidemic of 1991.

Consumers seem to be accepting the recall in stride. Atlanta resident Katie Leebee expressed resignation over the incident. “We were supposed to take our friend Alyssa to a Chippendale's show for her bachelorette party,” said Ms Leebee, “but I guess we'll all just stay at my apartment and watch reruns of 'Brothers & Sisters' and 'Desperate Housewives'."

News of the Day in Brief Run-on Sentences

Monday, October 1st, 2007
World
U.N. envoy to meet Myanmar's militant leader to express outrage over a violent crackdown on pro-democracy marchers during which several were killed, while in Darfur even the peacekeeping forces are attacked and forced to flee their makeshift camps after several killed, and Jesus Christ, a fucking volcano fucking erupts in Red Sea off coast of fucking Yemen... killing several.

Nation
President of Duke University apologizes to lacrosse team for ever believing that, that... woman, while Supreme Court plots course to require ownership of fully automatic assault weapons by all U.S. citizens, legalize extradition of any Aunt Sally the government sees fit to be tortured endlessly in a dank eastern European C.I.A. gulag, mandate death penalty for all felonies and overturn Roe v. Wade by June, while woman in custody at the Phoenix airport apparently accidentally strangles self trying to escape from handcuffs behind her back (okay readers, take a minute and try doing this yourself and you'll smell the same rat HHWT-News smells).

Local
DUI, DUI, DUI, domestic assault, boring city council meeting attended because of that one hot stenographer, domestic assault, tree struck by lightning now looks and smells like Virgin Mary, DUI.

Scientists predict artificial life within next decade, student claims life already created in back of fridge

A small group of scientists in the field of “wet artificial life” have been making big strides lately and experts predict they are within ten years of achieving their fundamental goal: creating life from its basic organic building blocks.

“It's going to be a big deal and everyone's going to know about it,” said Mario Bedio, chief operating officer of ProtoLife in Venice, Italy. “We're talking about a technology that could change our world in ways that are impossible to predict. And it's only years away.”

However, Ross Bennett, a junior finance major at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign has made the startling claim of having already created artificial life. “Jenna said I had to clean out my fridge before she'd come over again 'cuz it was so gross and that's when I found it,” said Mr. Bennett referring to his discovery. “It was in a little round Tupperware container way at the back, behind the half empty can of baked beans and a big shriveled eggplant, which my roommate got like two months ago and hasn't done shit with.”

When asked to elaborate on his discovery Mr. Bennett described it as “blue” and “like somethin' outta Star Trek.” Mr. Bennett continued, ”You know that episode where they land on that planet with the supersized flyin' brain cells that suck Spock senseless. It's like one a them supersize flyin' braincells, only fuzzy. Anyway I know it's artificial 'cuz I haven't eaten anything blue in, like, ages. Since Ronny's twenty-first birthday when we did those blueberry schnapps and Malibu jello shots.”

When informed of the unsubstantiated claim, Dr. Bedio surmised it was probably not artificial at all but merely the bloom of some latent mold spores already present on the food before it was sealed.

“For real?” responded Mr. Bennett. “You mean I ate that shit? Fuckin' gross!”

Marcel Marceau laid to rest in invisible coffin.

Famed mime Marcel Marceau, who died last weekend, was laid to rest today in an invisible casket marking the old master's 1,234th and final performance of “Man Trapped in a Box.” During the ceremony pal bearers made up of some of Marceau's many former students carried his perfectly rigid and believably lifeless body through the streets of Paris to Pere Lachaise cemetery.

In the spirit of his revolutionary career Marceau made several seemingly odd choices during the performance, including turning the time-honored mime skit on its head by not repeatedly laying his hands on the transparent walls of his entombing chamber or attempting to escape them. Ultimately such a static approach to this oft-performed whiteface warhorse proved brilliant in the eyes of the audience, who were moved to tears on many occasions by Mr. Marceau's subtle and nuanced performance.

As a somewhat misguided finale, during which gravity failed to cooperate, Mr. Marceau was lowered into the earth with imaginary ropes.

Soda making Americans fat

Perhaps the biggest single dietary contributor to America's supersizing waistlines is soda pop. The sugary beverage is the only specific food clinically linked to weight gain and it makes up a staggering 10 percent of calories in the average diet.

The problem, doctors say, appears to be two fold. First the sheer number of calories in sweetened sodas is often not comprehended by consumers. A 64 oz. “Bladder Buster” Coke contains roughly 800 calories which is half the total number of calories an adult woman needs daily.

Second, most beverages appear to fool the body's natural appetite suppression mechanisms. The consumption of a 400 calorie burger triggers hormones which tells the brain it is no longer hungry while a similar consumption of soda does not appear to cause the same biological response, thus allowing the diner to continue eating and drinking longer before feeling full.

Soft drink companies under fire to come up with solutions to the sticky soda situation have several projects in various stages of development. Coke is researching a line of Atkins sodas made not with high fructose corn syrup but animal fat. “Nothing gives you that sated feeling like gnawing on the cartilage stub at the end of a pork loin,” said Aren Van Danburg, vice president of research and development at Coke, “so we're trying to introduce that sensation into our line of fizzy refreshments.”

Mr. Van Danburg said the partnership with the Atkins line of high protein, high fat diet foods was essential to lend the new sodas the clout they will need in the already crowded diet market. “Bacon grease also appears promising at the moment, though the gristle keeps wreaking havoc on our filtration system.”

Not to be left behind in the alternative beverage race, competitor Pepsi has attempted a different tact. “Most beverages do evade the body's appetite suppression system,” explained Pepsi's head food scientist Carolyn Benshaw, “with one apparent exception: soup.” Citing research done at Purdue University's Department of Food and Nutrition, Ms Benshaw said soup appears to be the anomaly in liquid food research. “Pepsi is committed to the health of America's children which is why we're phasing in our new soup-flavored sodas as alternatives to traditional beverages in school cafeterias around the country.”

When confronted with options including Split Pea Pepsi, Cream of Mushroom flavored Mello-Yellow or Dr. Peppercorn 'n Clam Chowder, Detroit middle-schooler Wade Dewallen expressed some reservations saying, “That's sick! Pop that taste like soup?! Uh-uh, no way!” Mr. Dewallen, 12, appeared skeptical of the proposition that his current beverage choices were unhealthy. “You get fat from eatin' pork rinds 'n shit, not from Mountain Dew. Besides, what'm I supposed to drink? Water?! Gross!”

That shit eatin' grin turns 25

:-) In honor of smiley's quarter-century birthday HHWT-News presents a crappy new comic strip. Submit your crappy comic strips, too at:
hhwt.cartoons@yahoo.com.

Sun's severe swelling stage seems somewhat survivable, solar scientists say.

The following is a rush transcript from an interview with our Senior Science correspondent, Bryce Macombe. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

Walter Jefferies (HHWT News): And now let's check in with our Senior Science correspondent Bryce Macombe, who's in Naples, Italy with Dr. Roberto Silvotti of the Observatorio Astronomico di Cap....

[live video image – Bryce Macombe on surface of Sun]

Bryce Macombe (Photosphere, Sun): [interrupting] Uhhh, hold on there Walt! Little change of plans.

WJ: You're not in Naples?

BM: Obviously, Walt. Silvotti backed out at the last minute so we decided to go straight to the source.

WJ: So, then, where are you Bryce?

BM: Surface of the Sun, Walt.

WJ: [stunned] The surface of the Sun?!

BM: Yup. Yeah it took us a little longer to get here than we figured. Somethin' about a 250 mile per sec headwind the whole way. I dunno. The pilot said we'd make up for it on the way back, though.

WJ: [still stunned] You're on the surface... of the Sun. You're reporting from the surface of the Sun.

BM: [confused] Do you not have video, Walt? [looking off camera] Does he not got our video?

WJ: No, no, no we got the video. I just, I, I... Bryce, how did you get there?

BM: Well I did have to call in a few favors from my week at NASA. But you'd be surprised how far a case of twelve year old single malt goes over Walt. The hard part was finding it in those minibar size bottles so they can slip it past launch secu...

WJ: [interrupting] Okay, okay, Bryce. Fine. So you're actually on the surface of the Sun.

BM: Well... [slight chuckle] not actually.

WJ: Ah, I thought not. Very clev...

BM: [interrupting] The Sun is a gaseous ball, Walt. The “surface” you see is actually just the layer from which light, after being created in the core as high energy gamma-ray photons and scattering around inside for over a million years, finally escapes as a nice happy warm greenish-yellow sun ray. Then it flies for eight or so minutes through the interplanetary medium and ends its life warming your lily-white ass on the sands of the French Riviera.

WJ: Listen, Bryce, I didn't mean...

BM: Ah-ah-ah c'mon now, don't deny it Walt. I've seen the pictures. Dimples and all. [discretely] And just between you and me, big guy, a wax job is sorely in order my friend.

WJ: Um. Okay. Well I... anyway. So... what's the surface of the Sun like up close then, Bryce?

BM: Sorta like a sauna... Only hotter. Much. Hotter.

[awkward silence]

WJ: So, that's it? The surface of the sun is hot.

BM: Pretty much, yeah.

WJ: How about the recent astronomical report of planets still orbiting their post-red giant phase parent star?

BM: [sarcastically] What? So even though five billion years from now the Sun may expand in size nearly enveloping earth's orbit, the planet may remain intact after this phase albeit as a chard, smoldering astro-s'more with no life, water or light metals of any kind? There's no story there, Walt. Our viewers want sex and violence, cop car chases and celebrity court cases. The whole feel-good, underdog, David-and-Goliath, come-from-behind, can-do spirit thing just doesn't bump our numbers. The sun's hot. We'll fry. End of story. Wake me when Brittney's caught topless again.

WJ: You travel a hundred million miles from the Earth to the Sun and that's all you have to say about it?

BM: Well c'mon, Walt. With these miles I'll be flyin' free for a decade. It was a no-brainer. Hey! You wanna play Saint Andrews this weekend? We need a fourth! I'll fly you out there?!

WJ: Okay that'll be fine, Bryce. That was Senior Science Correspondent Bryce Macombe from the surface of the Sun.

BM: You in Dubya-Jay?!

Anorexia in gray whales rampant, study finds

The National Marine Fisheries Service issued a report that stated greater than 1 in 10 gray whales were severely underweight upon their return to breeding waters off the southern California coast. Fisheries whale expert Stephen Swartz said some of the whales even had visibly bony shoulderblades. “This is very unusual since whales are the biggest, fattest animals on earth,” Dr. Swartz said. “Hell, I didn't even know they had shoulderblades!” The reason behind the skinny whales is unknown but scientists believe global warming is likely affecting the populations of small crustaceans which make up the whale's primary food source.

Dr. Phillip McGraw, a well-known television psychologist and marine biology buff has his own ideas about the lightweight leviathans. “It's clear these whales are sick but we mustn't miss the underlying cause,” lectured Dr. McGraw. “Their's is a sickness of the mind. Their collective unconscious self image has been damaged by centuries of harpooning and harvesting the fattest among them. Clearly we've made them feel that fat whales have no reason to live. And can you blame them? They see how we've treated their svelte seafaring mammalian cousins, the dolphins, all these years with the Sea World parks and the special tuna nets, and they can draw only one conclusion: no fatties allowed.”

But diet mogul Lindsey Lenox sees an opportunity for humans to benefit from the gaunt grays. She plans to market the special exercise regimen and niche diet that has apparently lead to their remarkable blubber reduction. “The essence of a successful weight loss program is simplicity,” said Ms Lenox, “and you can't get much simpler than thousands of miles of deep ocean swimming on a meager diet of krill and seawater.”

While Dr. Swartz was skeptical about the feasibility of adapting whale behavior to suit obese humans he accepted the possibility. “Well it could at least act as an inspiration to those land-orcas out there,” begrudged Dr. Swartz. “If an actual fat fucking whale can loose weight what's your problem you fat fuck?!”

Government proposes replacing gasoline with wood, tree-sitters go ape-shit

The head of the U.S. Forest Service, Abigail Kimbell, has made the seemingly contradictory proposals of using wood ethanol to replace a significant proportion of the nation's gasoline consumption while at the same time doubling the amount if carbon dioxide absorbed by the nation's forests.

Ms. Kimbell laid out these “ambitious goals” in a speech to the Society of Environmental Journalists given in San Fransisco last week saying that “they would take a concerted national effort to reach.”

Environmental activist Trenton Darby lambasted such plans saying that “destroying the nation's treasured forests in order to fill the tanks of millions of single-occupant SUV's simply smacks of a mind-boggling incompetence the likes of which America, nay, the World as never seen. But to couple it, Janus-faced, with a claim of simultaneous greenhouse gas reduction is either staggeringly ignorant or maddeningly arrogant if not both.”

Asked whether the two prongs of her plan were not intrinsically at odds with each other Ms. Kimbell's spokeswoman, Allison Stewart, explained that the wood for the ethanol was to come mainly from thinned underbrush which is now routinely collected and burned to prevent wildfires. “Natural wildfires are necessary for healthy forests but, of course, very dangerous to those living near them,” explained Stewart. “The artificial clearing currently undertaken to save property and lives results in massive amounts of unused wood and brush. So the ethanol source would come, not from a forest's old growth, but from small diameter trees, cleared underbrush and the like.”

In addition, Stewart said, a partnership with the nonprofit National Forest Foundation, allows people to purchase carbon offsets through charitable contributions which go toward the Service's replanting efforts. “We are doing a lot of replanting of new forests where there are no forests now,” Stewart said. “Specifically in regions cleared by natural processes such as floods and fires.”

“Oh.” said Mr. Darby when presented with the details of Ms. Kimbell's plan. “So... they propose tapping a currently wasted by-product of sound and safe forest management as a fuel source while doubling the current size of forested lands through charitable funding and public awareness. That actually doesn't sound half bad. It's pretty good, really. Shit. Why didn't you just say that in the first place? I mean, I wouldn't have acted like such a douche bag before.”

Celebrity research parrot, Alex, dead at 30

Alex, an African grey parrot who could count up to six and recognized several colors died last Friday after thirty years as a research subject. Dr. Ernie Saltmont, a Brandeis University scientist, expressed his deep grief over the loss. “It's just completely devastating to lose an individual you've worked with pretty much day and night for 30 years,” Dr. Saltmont told The Globe.

In a cruel coincidence the Brandeis Avian Research Facility's long-time building custodian Marianna Rodriguez, 59, and her grandson Miguel, 3, died as well in a car accident over the weekend.

Miguel, who could count well past 6 and knew as many colors as Alex, would frequently accompany his grandmother on her shifts. Ms. Rodriguez, whose upper counting limit was not easily discernible but who was colorblind, had worked in the facility for nearly the entire three decades she was employed at the university.

“She cleaned this floor?” asked Dr. Saltmont. “Every evening, you say? Hmm... Well. That's most unfortunate. First poor Alex, then Maria and her son... Huh? Mari-anna, right, right... Pardon? Oh yes, her grand-son, of course. It's just devastating.”

Mummified sacrificial Inca teen on display, corporal punishment advocates inspired

Hundreds of visitors were awe struck upon viewing the well-preserved remains of a 15-year old Inca girl, nicknamed “la Doncella,” on display for the first time at the High Mountain Archaeological Museum in Salta, Argentina. The mummy, found in 1999 on Llullaillaco volcano with the bodies of two other children, is believed to have been sacrificed over 5 centuries ago during an Inca corn harvest ceremony. The well-dressed children were given corn alcohol and likely left to die of exposure on the 22,080 foot high volcano in an environment which helped mummify and preserve their remains.

A highly controversial counter explanation has been offered by Bruce Wittmore, chairman of the National “Leave No Rod Spared” campaign. Mr. Wittmore, who has no archaeological or anthropological training, suggests the sacrifices might merely have been parental measures taken to reign in unruly teens. “Even ancient peoples had problem children,” argued Mr. Wittmore. “Now it is true that this particular example of corporal punishment brushes up against what we might today consider acceptable. But you have to keep in mind the cultural differences at play here.”

Museum director Marbriel Gamont disagreed. “That's preposterous,” stated Mr. Gamont. “There is no evidence in the archaeological record of Inca parents using bodily harm as punishment for misbehaving children. Now, clearly they inflicted a world of hurt upon them for other reasons. But as punishment for misbehaving? Absurd. The very suggestion is indicative of modernity's backward ways and disrespectful to the ancient Inca spirit.”

Indigenous groups fought unsuccessfully to keep the mummy from going on display charging such an exhibit is disrespectful to the Inca spirit. Siruez Muagel representing the Calchaquies valley tribes surrounding Salta pleaded with scientists to change their ways. “Please stop digging up my ancestors and putting them in temperature and humidity controlled Plexiglas cases.”

Ironman Wisconsin: A test of character

The following is a rush transcript from an interview with our Senior Leisure correspondent, Bryce Macombe. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

Walter Jefferies (HHWT News): And now let's check in with our Senior Leisure correspondent Bryce Macombe, who's been in Madison, WI for the last 14 hours covering the Ironman triathlon there. Bryce, describe the scene there for us.

[live video image – Bryce Macombe on street at night with runners and state capitol in background]

Bryce Macombe (Madison, WI): Well Walt, I find the words to describe this grueling event difficult to come by. Hour upon hour of soul-crushing physical exertion with no conceivable end in sight. The monumental effort expended constantly fighting the immense crowds just to stay hydrated and obtain much needed nourishment. The psychological toughness required to maintain a single-minded focus on the task before you in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles. Walt, it is truly inspirational just to be shoulder-to-shoulder with these people, no, these heroes.

WJ: That's very moving, Bryce. I think many people feel the same way about these exceptional athletes. The Ironman races always seem...

BM: [interrupting] Whoa, Walt! Athletes?! I'm talkin' about the Ironman spectators. These fan-thletes take part in the trifecta of grueling spectator events: Walking, standing and driving aimlessly around the countryside.

WJ: [beat of stunned silence] Fan-thletes?

BM: That's right, Walt. The unsung heroes of sport-going spectators everywhere, these Ironfans start their odyssey by rising before dawn to fight each other as well as the racers themselves for prime parking. Sometimes they circle the same city blocks half a dozen times in the near-hopeless search for a spot, often exhibiting parallel parking prowess that would stagger those “fans” of other “sports” with their cushy ten thousand-car, taxpayer funded lots.

If, against all odds, they successfully park within the allowed time-limit their journey has just barely begun. A cruel slap in the face awaits them as they make their way to the start of the swim venue. For even the most eagle-eyed fan among them has nary a hope of discerning individual athletes among the churn of surf and swimmers, anonymously and androgynously sheathed, as they are, from head to toe. And so, as the sun hangs low in the morning sky, an Ironfan's journey begins, as it will end, with a near intolerable wait for a fleeting, assuredly anticlimactic view of their raison d'être.

As if the wait alone is not mind-numbing enough, the incessant throb of stadium-concert volume, training-mix-tape music isolates, by its shear intensity, each Ironfan from their neighbor. This music thins the early crowds sending the psychologically feeblest among them back to their cars for mid-morning naps. Of those who persevere, after an interminable stretch of squinting through thick throngs of begoggled emergent swimmers, only the luckiest are rewarded with a brief and uncertain view of their racer. For these Ironfans, soaked by the slap-spray of hastily stripped wetsuits, the real race is about to begin.

The next seven to nine hours will see the separation of Ironfans into two formidable groups. The Waiters and the Wanderers. Waiters passively resign themselves to a lonely workday-length stretch of tedium. Camped along some god-forsaken stretch of rural route they can hope, at best, to cheer on their chosen chaffing champion for mere seconds in an otherwise eternal string of similarly-suited, sweaty strangers.

As dismal as this ratio of clapping-to-napping seems, the Wanderers, in a Sisyphusian effort to maximize their cheering chances, run the all-too-real risk of missing their racer entirely. Even for the well-prepared Wanderers, armed with internet-capable cell phones, course and county maps, and teams of drivers, the dangers are many. Something as seemingly innocuous as an ill-timed lunch break can prove just as disastrous as a brazen bumper-to-bumper course-crossing short cut. And whether it's absent rural road signs, backseat drivers barking patience-testing orders, or map-reading passengers tempting “navigator-nausea” on the curvy country roads, these and countless other scenarios can bring Wanderers to a screeching halt in the middle of nowhere on their Icarus-like flight toward Ironfandom.

By hour ten the Waiters and the Wanderers, equally worn down by entirely different stresses, are all too often reduced to little more than catatonic clapping even before the final leg begins.

WJ: That's all very interesting, Bryce, but what about the numerous intimate human dramas being played out on the course for all to witness as each athlete faces their own unique challenges of will and heart?

BM: [indignantly] You want human drama? You want tests of will and heart? Try getting outdoor seating at a course-side café along the marathon route, my friend! This is the white hot furnace in which true Ironfans are forged! As grueling as the endurance aspects of Ironman spectating can be they are no match for the full-contact, cut-throat conflicts involved in the search for that elusive Eden of paradise: nourishment and libation seated within sight of the course. That siren's song can cause even hardcore Ironfans to miss entire hours of competition reducing their already meager cheering chances to a pittance.

In the final hours, after the sun has long ago dipped below the opposite horizon and as the stream of walking athletes dwindles to a trickle, the cold glow of streetlights illuminates the carnage: Entire families torn asunder and cast across a city, left to reunite in the darkness. Broken fans, sun-burnt and starved, collapsed curbside staring up-course with a vacant gaze waiting for their Godot. One cannot help to ask, “Was this arduous endeavor worth it?” This question is one which every Ironfan must answer anew every time their crazyass friends and relatives enter these races! Walt?

WJ: Wow. Thanks for that powerful report, Bryce. It sounds like you've been through quite an ordeal.

BM: Who? Me? Pfft! C'mon Walt. I've been holed up in the air-conditioned satellite van all day watchin' football. [looking beyond camera] Oh, I think that's the Chinese food. Gotta go Walt! [leaving frame, shouting] Hey that better not be my Chow Fung!

WJ: Umm... Well... Alright Bryce. That was Bryce Macombe at the Wisconsin Ironman race.

Men shallow, women picky, study finds

Researchers report in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences that a study has shown humans behave similarly to other mammals in terms of gender specific processes for mate selection. Their study involved 20 women and 26 men ranging in age from their mid 20's to their early 40's and ranging in physical attractiveness from hotties to fatties. The scientists ascertained through questionnaires what the participants were looking for in a mate, then engaged them in a speed dating session. Researchers compared each individual's pre-session preferences with who they actually hooked up with afterwards.

Neither gender's actual choices reflected their stated preferences, says Dr. Janine Erstworth, one of the report's authors. “For example there was this guy, #15M, a fratty jock type, who said he was looking for a 'smart, caring, devoted, pretty girl in that order' -his words not mine- and then he ends up tappin' that scank #8W with the big boobs and fake nose! I mean, whatever?!” explained Dr. Erstworth.

In addition, the researchers discovered that the men in the study were more likely to pick a mate solely based on physical attractiveness while the women, according to Dr. Todd W. Peter, the report's lead author, apparently employed much more complicated selection criteria. “They had us completely baffled,” exclaimed Dr. Peter. “It was whacked! Who knows what they're thinking?”

Do you butter toast when it's hot or when it's not?

Hot: Not only do I butter toast when it's hot, but I eat it when it's hot. Why else toast bread? Just to make it hard and crunchy? Like a big flat crouton? Who wants to eat a big flat crouton with breakfast? No. I'm sorry. People toast bread to make it crispy and warm. So it stands to reason that you must butter toast, if you're going to butter it at all, right out of the toaster when it's still good and warm. I know the Not's gonna whine, “ but then by the time you've got breakfast ready you're eating cold soggy toast.” Well a little forethought goes a long way! Put the bread in the toaster at just the right point so that buttering it immediately after it pops up is your last task in the breakfast preparation phase and eating it warm is your first task in the consumption phase.

Not: Yes, Hot, my biggest compliant about buttering hot toast is the all too likely soggy, cold result. But it goes deeper than that. (First off, I assume we're limiting this discussion to butter. No jams, jellies or preserves of any kind. Those are whole different animals. Fair, Hot? Okay then.) In order to ensure hotly buttered toast is consumed when it is most appealing (i.e. when still warm with some of the spread butter still solid or at least still opaque) one must be strictly regimented about not only one's breakfast preparation but also, alas, the eating of the meal itself. The toast must be consumed first, and completely, before moving on to other entities such as cereal or fruit. Now, hotly buttered toast works great if it's only accompanied with a cup of steaming coffee. The nature of the constituent elements of such a meal enables the parallel processing of both tasks involved in its preparation. The coffee brews while the bread is cut, toasted and buttered. Then the toast is consumed while the coffee cools in one's mug. An elegant symbiosis and one which I heartily recommend. (Though even in this simplistic scenario, given the incredibly quick cooling rate of toast, which is, after all, mostly air, the ill-timed dressing of one's Java could be all the distraction necessary to leave your breakfast a buttery bready bog.) But I also heartily recommend a heartier meal to start one's day. And in the face of a more complicated breakfast, cold toast, which can be buttered whenever it seems fit and consumed at one's leisure throughout the meal with little or no change in appearance or texture, offers the freedom and certainty I desire at dawn. It's all about freedom and certainty, Hot.

Hot: Not, Americans butter their toast hot and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and let you cast dispersions on my love of freedom! You've all but admitted that warm buttered toast tastes superior to cold buttered toast so your argument comes down to one thing: You're afraid of the stakes of failure. Instead of trying to reach for improbable greatness you work toward a less desirable but more likely outcome. A true American plans and tries for greatness and then deals with the consequences if he fails. And yes, Not. A true American eats soggy cold toast once in a while. And does so proudly.

Not: For the record I never impugned your love of freedom, Hot. I accused you of not wanting to relish it during breakfast. But now you're accusing me of not being able to deal with failure. Indeed of not being a true American because I choose to manage risk. If the attempt to minimize the chance of failure, and thereby also limit the gratification of success, qualifies as cowardly, I stand guilty as charged! These are uncertain times, Hot. I think we all deserve a little cold-toast certainty with the morning paper.

No evidence of astronaut drinking, says NASA

The following is a rush transcript from an interview with our Senior Science correspondent, Bryce Macombe. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

Walter Jefferies (HHWT News): And now let's check in with our Senior Science correspondent Bryce Macombe, who's at Johnson Space Center in Houston embedded with the astronaut crew training for the next mission aboard Shuttle Discovery set to launch, I believe, on October 23rd. Bryce. Bryce? Bryce, are you there?

[live video image - hatch on outside of shuttle mock-up at JSC]

WJ (voice over video): Hellooo, Bryce? (aside) Is he there? Have we got him?

[live video image - mock-up hatch opens revealing smoke-filled interior and loud music, hooting and laughter from within. Bryce staggers out amongst clinking/tinny sounds of empty bottles/cans falling about his feet while clouds of smoke escape above him. Hatch closes behind him with a puff of smoke, muffling interior sounds.]

Bryce Macombe (Johnson Space Center, Houston): Hey-haaay! Dubya Jay! Is it 6:15 already? 'Sup my man?

WJ: Bryce. Uh. Wha-wha-wha... What's going on?

BM: Whadya you mean? Oh, that? (indicating mock-up behind him) It's aaaa... simulator... training session. Yeah. Non-stop preparation around here these days, Walt. And, ya know, they're a real close knit group too, this crew. I mean, at first it was tough to get them to loosen up around me and just talk. I think they were worried about a hatchet job, or something. But I've slowly won them over and now they seem to have accepted me into their “astro-fraternity.” (air-quotes, laughs) I'm gettin' total, behind the scenes access, Walt.

WJ: That's great, Bryce. But... that... that didn't seem to be a training session going on in there. It sounded more like a party.

BM: Mmmm? No. (thoughtfully, then dismissively) The crew's just relaxing between sessions. You know. Blowin' off a little steam. 14 hour days here, Walt. You gotta know how to pace yourself or you might end up goin' all “Nowak” on someone's ass.

WJ: I'm sorry. “Nowak”?

BM: Yeah. Though you'd have a hell of a time hording launch diapers these days the way security has been bumped up.

WJ: Alright. That's fine Bryce. Listen, what does the crew think of the latest NASA report that finds no evidence of pre-launch drinking by astronauts? Do they agree? Did they ever think there was a problem with that sort of thing?

BM: Well Walt, the astronauts I've been speaking to find the whole notion of drunken shuttle crews absolutely preposterous. And, I mean, I totally have to agree. Have you seen the cockpit in that thing? It makes the instrument panel of a 747 look like some sorta low rent Hollywood set. I mean, when I'm lit I can't even microwave a gas station burrito without settin' off the sprinkler system. Yer tellin' me they're gonna be puttin' a shuttle in orbit with a buzz? Pfff! C'mon.

WJ: But these are highly trained professional pilots. The best of the best. Prepared to fly under adverse conditions of all sorts. And besides, as I understand it, most of the launch is done with autopilot. So...

BM (looking over both shoulders): (under breath) Shhh, Walt. You don't wanna bring that autopilot thing up. Kind of a touchy subject around these guys. Just... trust me on that.

WJ: Okay, alright, fine...

BM: The bottom line, Walt, is that an internal NASA review found no truth to the scandalous tabloid accusations put forth by whatever rumor-rag needed a sales boost that week.

WJ: But... Bryce... the initial reports of drinking came from the astronauts' own answers to questionnaires given by NASA. Not the tabloids. How do they explain that?

BM: Walt, c'mon. I mean, how truthful are you when yer fillin' out those workplace questionnaires? They always send them around on a Friday afternoon when everyone's completely fried anyway. I mean, these guys are comin' back from space, Walt. They can barely walk. They're on no sleep. Then it's all “here, you gotta fill out this form before you can punch out.” Pfff. Nobody's gonna put any serious thought into that. I mean, according to those anonymous questionnaire's 95% of the astronaut corp are homosexual, ethnic Indian Wiccans!

[live video – behind BM, mock-up's hatch opens a crack with puff of escaping smoke. Music, laughter and shouting emerge. BM turns head toward hatch with hand cupping ear.]

WJ: Okay, I see. So you think the initial findings were skewed, but does that mean...

BM (turning back toward camera): I'm sorry Walt. But I gotta get back in there. I think mission specialist Wilson is table dancing! I've been tryin' to “dock with her station” all week, if ya know what I mean. (laughs) This is Bryce Macombe in Houston. Walt?

[live video – BM turns and hurries toward mock-up.]

WJ: Alright then. Thanks Bryce. Good luck with that. We'll check in with you later.

Over Heard...

Real life quotes from real live people from real life.
. . .



Toddler ( in “baby” voice, pointing at approaching man,): Ucljck.

Mother (in “mommy-to-baby” voice): Yeaaaah! He looks like Uncle Jack, doesn't he!?

Toddler: Ucljck.



. . .



[sound -fade in- tires on gravel/car engine]
[sound -stop- tires on gravel]
[sound -stop- engine]
[sound - single car door open then shut]

Woman: [inaudible]

Man (annoyed): What?

Woman: [inaudible]

Man: Whadid you fuckin' say?

Woman (insistent, haltingly): I didn't * say * fuckin' * anything!

Man: Ya said fuckin' somethin'.

Woman: [inaudible]

Man: [inaudible]

[sound - single car door open then shut]
[sound - engine starts]
[sound - tires on gravel]
[sound -fade out- engine/tires on gravel]

. . .

Baseball Park Employees Plan Hunger Strike

Contracted janitorial workers who clean Oriole Park at Camden Yards are planning a hunger strike over wage concerns. The temporary workers are demanding a raise of over $2.50-an-hour to bring their pay in line with Baltimore's living wage rate of $9.62 an hour. According to Maryland's living wage law, however, the workers are exempt since the stadium is state-owned.

Maryland Stadium Authority Chairman Rick P. Fuddwester said his agency is in compliance with the Maryland law. “You see, the law is a state law but it doesn't apply to temporary workers of state-owned institutions,” explained Mr. Fuddwester. “It's like this. I tell my kids not to eat in our pool. That's my rule. But if I want to float around after work with a martini and a bag of chips balanced on my belly I can do that because I own the pool and so the rule doesn't apply to me. I'm exempt. See? It's like that.”

Thad Grosnal of the United Workers Association said the hunger strike is an attempt to bring media exposure to the wage discrepancy. “Unfortunately it's probably the only way we're going to get some attention on this issue and get a living wage for workers,” said Mr. Grosnal explaining the tactic's rational. “I mean, no one can live by temping on $7 an hour, let alone raise a family.”

Mr. Fuddwester disagreed taking issue with the current wage figure quoted by Mr. Grosnal. “If they were really earning that far below living wage a hunger strike wouldn't be much of a stretch from their normal diet. It's deceptive because they aren't including the fringe benefits in that figure,” Mr. Fuddwester said. “For instance, after the games [the workers] are allowed to eat anything they find among the seats and under the bleachers: popcorn, peanuts, whatever. Last weekend my spasy nephew dumped a tray full of nachos and a half-eaten giant pretzel. Now c'mon. That's practically a meal right there.”

The strike is scheduled to start September 3 and end “when there is a living wages solution, so there is no end date at this point,” said Mr. Grosnal, who is not one of the hunger strikers.

Gilbert Rodham, who works at Camden during the baseball season, said workers are willing to “give up food and anything else” to get people's attention. “Except my smokes... and cable, but for sure anything else,” added Mr. Rodham.

Navy allowed to use sonar, whales found to have no ears

A federal appeals court ruled Friday that the navy can use high-powered sonar while running exercises off the Southern California coast. In Judge Andrew Kleinfeld's majority opinion he wrote, “After reviewing all of the evidence presented before this panel it is the court's view that whales have no ears and, as such, cannot possibly hear, or be harmed by, the nautical sonic disturbances in question.”

Dissenting judge Milan Smith Jr. argued that the “possession of ears or lack-there-of does not solely determine an organism's ability to detect acoustical signals.” In a heated court room exchange Judge Smith Jr. scolded Judge Kleinfeld for his narrow minded views stating that “even if you think whales do not have ears other marine mammals clearly do, such as otters and polar bears." An irritated Judge Kleinfeld responded that those animals “also have legs and can get the hell out of the ocean if they damn well want,” and then proceeded to quickly and repeatedly pat his ears with his palms while chanting, “I can't hear you! I can't hear you!” until the session's termination.

World's wheat stores lowest in 26 years

According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture drought and flood in both Europe and North America have resulted in the lowest world wheat inventories in over a quarter century. The situation will likely lead to a price spike this winter for wheat and wheat-based products. In response McDonald's has proposed temporarily replacing the wheat flour buns in all of its sandwich lines with hamburger patties. “This is a logical solution based on the current state of the world's food supply” stated McDonald's spokesperson Margret Marge. “The Big Mac will now consist of two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions on two more all-beef patties. Oh wait. Make that three more all-beef patties. I always forget about that dumb-ass middle bun in the Big Mac. My bad.” When asked of the possibility that the bun for the Filet-o-Fish sandwich would be made out of fish rather than beef Ms. Marge responded, “Now you're being ridiculous.”

Iowa's divorce attorneys decry state's latest same-sex marriage halt

Late Friday morning Polk County judge Robert Hanson formally stayed his own ruling, in effect for less than twenty-four hours, clearing the way for same-sex couples to apply for marriage licenses. The stay, given after nearly two dozen gay and lesbian couples had already acquired marriage licenses, means the county recorder's office is not permitted to accept any more marriage applications from same-sex couples until the Iowa Supreme Court visits the matter.

Almost immediately after Judge Hanson issued the hold on his ruling the Iowa Association of Divorce Attorneys (IADA), expressed its outrage against the judge's actions. In a statement released Friday afternoon IADA said that “all citizens of this great state deserve the same opportunities for short-lived happiness, years of passive aggression and infidelity, and an amicable split due to irreconcilable differences regardless of race, gender, religious or sexual orientation.”

Attorney Martin Lye, IADA's president, was dumbfounded by the judge's actions. “There's nothing in [this] state's constitution, or any state's for that matter, which prohibits couples from divorcing based on sexual orientation. It stands to reason then that same-sex couples must be allowed to marry, enjoying the subsequent benefits and inevitable horrors which follow in order to fully partake of their constitutionally guaranteed right to call it quits.” The Iowa Supreme Court is expected to take up the issue later this fall.

SCOREBOARD

ISU 14 KSU 23
LSU 0 LSD 0*
FBI 3 CIA 56
(*delayed due to
purple frog rain)

Meat eaters worse for the environment than Hummer drivers

Animal rights groups have been touting a United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization report issued last fall which states that the livestock business generates more greenhouse gases than all forms of transportation combined. Advertising campaigns are springing up informing consumers that switching to a plant based diet is better for the environment than switching from a Hummer to a Camry.

Backlash to such campaigns, seen by some as opportunistic, was inevitable. Kevin Binkle of Houston is one of a growing number of rabidly carnivorous anti-environmentalist auto mechanics across the nation who have opened specialty garages offering to modify customer's S.U.V.'s to run, not on gasoline, but on meat. “We can do the switch in about four hours. Six if you want the chicken option, too.” Mr. Binkle says every one of his customers so far has been pleased. “They're totally happy. They can fill up at the McDonald's drive-through while they get lunch. And mileage is pretty similar too. Sixteen to twenty miles per Big Mac patty. You do gotta scrape the special sauce off real good, though, 'cause it tends to clog the valves.” But even he agrees only the most die hard greenhouse-rejecting meat-glutton will likely invest in the expensive vehicle alteration.

Hoping to cater to the poorer but no less devoted beef-loving tree-haters are bio-fuel entrepreneurs like Donald Calhoun from Jackson, Mississippi. Dr. Calhoun is working on a fermentation technique which turns cattle directly into ethanol. “The animal rights camp argues that it takes more fossil fuels to raise a single head of beef cattle than the average American car burns in a year. I'm a scientist. So I say the obvious solution is to get that energy back in the most efficient manner possible.” He admits the development is still in its early stages but he hopes to secure governmental funding for further research. “My dream would be to some day march 'em dogies up the ramp on one end while filling the tanker trucks on the other end. But that Xanadu is a few years away.”

Katie Couric to pull first Iraq tour

This is a rush transcript from an interview with our Middle East correspondent, Bryce Macombe. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
... ... ...
Walter Jefferies (HHWT News Anchor): Good morning Bryce.

Bryce Macombe (Baghdad): Well, it's Baghdad so I don't know about 'good' but it is morning. That's for sure. What?! You guys can't figure out the time change? It's not bad enough I gotta sleep in Kevlar and diapers? Now I gotta drag my ass outta bed at 4AM for a fluff piece?!

WJ: Sorry. Sorry about that, Bryce. We're, all of us here very appreciative of your sacrifices, but I wouldn't call Katie Couric visiting Ira... Wait. Wait. Diapers? Why're you sleeping in diapers?

BM: Burrito night in the Greenzone, Walt. You do not want to make a rush visit to the latrine at 1am after 250 marines stormed that beachhead. Talk about IED! Whoa! Trust me on this one, Walt.

WJ: Okay, okay, Bryce. That's fine. Listen. What's the word on the ground about Katie Couric's first visit to Iraq? Is there excitement over it? Are people excited?

BM: Very much, Walt. I tell ya, everyone is looking forward to the reinforcements her division will bring. Ever since the surge started everybody here has been pulling double patrol duty and working 18 hour...

WJ: Bryce! Bryce! Wait a minute! What do you mean her division? She's going to anchor the CBS Nightly News from Baghdad, isn't she?

BM: What? Nooo, Walt. Her National Guard division was called up. Yeah, she's a weekend warrior! The fightin' 42nd. Well... now she'll be a fifteen month warrior, but that's what they've been training for all these years, right?

WJ: You're kidding me! She's going to Iraq as a soldier?! How is that possible? What could she possibly do there?

BM: Yeah Walt! That's right! She's special ops! The commanders I've talked to are pretty tight lipped about mission details. Something about 'infiltrating insurgent strongholds' with 'disarming perkiness' or something. Pshhh! I don't know. She does have killer legs though, Walt! Am I right or am I right, huh?!

WJ: Yes she does have great legs, you are right about that Bryce. Listen, we have to go but one last question. If she's gonna be serving in Iraq for the next year, any word on her replacement in the anchor chair at CBS?

BM: Ummm...Ohhh. Yeah, I see what your drivin' at big guy. Yeah sure. Like you gotta prayer. Pffh! Keep dreamin' Walty! I've seen your calves. No chance, baby!

WJ: Well, alright. Okay then Bryce. Good talking to you. Stay safe over there.

BM: Yeah. Sure. Hey! Could you send some Desenex 'cause I'm really startin' to chafe...

WJ: We'll get right on that, Bryce. HHWT News signing off.

Gonzales resigns

At a press conference on Monday the embattled Attorney General announced his resignation. Long seen by many in congress as too partisan for the position and accused of, among other things, co-opting the power of the government to win elections and general ineptitude in the management of the Justice Department, Mr. Gonzales' resignation had been widely anticipated in Washington for some time. When asked how he ultimately came to the conclusion to leave his post Mr. Gonzales replied that he did not recall, saying, “I recall making a decision. I just don't recall how or when the decision was made."

Vatican starts own low-fare airline

In an attempt to bring heavenly fares down to earth for religious pilgrims the Vatican recently announced it has started its own charter airline. The inaugural flight included Italian notables and reporters among the vacationing devout. In a preflight press conference Rev. Cesare Eruita of the Vatican's pilgrimage office reassured passengers that safety features would not be compromised on the budget flights. “In the event of loss of cabin pressure last rites will be administered row by row, illuminated crucifixes guide passengers to the nearest emergency exits, and should a water landing become necessary everyone's seat cushion is embroidered with Matthew 14:22-34,” Father Eruita said. In addition, for those passengers unconcerned by the whole camel-through-the-eye-of-a-needle-thing, a limited amount of roomier first class seating is available complete with padded kneelers.

Initial passenger response has been mixed. First-time pilgrim Dominic Romani complained about shoddy service. “We took off like 45 minutes late, and the complimentary snack was this scrap of stale bread. I mean give me some peanuts at least! Sure the booze was free but it was, like, barely a sip, and they made everyone drink from the same glass. Gross!” Father Eruita stressed that bringing low-cost transportation to holy sites around the world might require some sacrifices. Many passengers, however, seemed reluctant to agree. Sister Maria Colatura's experience was typical. “When they wheeled that tabernacle down the aisle there was absolutely no room to squeeze by. I'm sorry but, God as my witness, I had to go! And the rosary as in-light entertainment?! This airline totally blows.”

Mighty Chinese industrial dragon roars, then collapses in asthmatic coughing fit

The burgeoning Chinese industrial complex has been fueling unprecedented economic growth in that country for decades. Many outside China, however, fear if growth continues unchecked the environmental costs may eventually lead to disastrous and potentially irreversible consequences. China's urban centers already have air pollution levels several times worse than European Union health standards allow. Yin Jinqiang, a spokesperson for the Chinese government's environmental agency took umbrage with such criticism. “These last decades of growth have lifted millions out of poverty through job creation. And that's just due to the explosion in needed health care workers,” he stated through both an interpreter and a cloth surgical mask. “I, myself, was hospitalized over a dozen times last year alone,” Mr. Jinqiang continued, “And we've also seen record job growth in the small business sector, too, spearheaded by the service industry. Specifically the mortuary service industry but we hope to see similar trends in other areas.”

Oldest Diamond

Geologists have found the world's oldest diamonds in Western Australia. The gems, which were radio dated to between 3 and 4 billion years old, formed over a billion years before the next oldest example: Zsa Zsa Gabor's engagement ring (from her first marriage). The extreme age of the diamonds was described as a boon for researchers, apparently proving the earth had a solid crust much sooner than previously thought. The rare stones, however, shed no new light on the exact age of the solid crust in Senator Robert C. Byrd's (D-W. Va) undershorts which is believed to have formed at least 3.5 billion years ago.

Cosmic Chasm

Astronomers from Minnesota have found the largest hole in the universe. It's more than a billion lightyears across and contains no stars, galaxies, or even dark matter. The astronomers expressed regret over their discovery, one stating, “Oh great! Now for the next decade of my career I'm stuck studying, to one part in a billion, nothing!” The scientists discovered the hole, which appears to be completely lacking of any substance, by studying a sky survey done by the National Radio Astronomy Observatory. Apparently the only signals detected in the great void were old broadcasts of "Imus in the Morning."

Enceladus to piss all over Cassini spacecraft

In a flyby scheduled for March of 2008 the Cassini spacecraft will come within 62 miles of the southern pole of Saturn's moon, Enceladus. The move will allow a close-up inspection of streams believed to be made up of water spurting out from the moon under pressure. The streams, discovered two years ago, could spray Cassini during the pass possibly causing damage to some of its more sensitive components. The mission is believed to be the first interplanetary golden shower undertaken by a robotic spacecraft. Such showers are commonplace in high Earth orbit where shuttle and space station crew routinely evacuate human waste storage receptacles, pissing all over us.