Anorexia in gray whales rampant, study finds

The National Marine Fisheries Service issued a report that stated greater than 1 in 10 gray whales were severely underweight upon their return to breeding waters off the southern California coast. Fisheries whale expert Stephen Swartz said some of the whales even had visibly bony shoulderblades. “This is very unusual since whales are the biggest, fattest animals on earth,” Dr. Swartz said. “Hell, I didn't even know they had shoulderblades!” The reason behind the skinny whales is unknown but scientists believe global warming is likely affecting the populations of small crustaceans which make up the whale's primary food source.

Dr. Phillip McGraw, a well-known television psychologist and marine biology buff has his own ideas about the lightweight leviathans. “It's clear these whales are sick but we mustn't miss the underlying cause,” lectured Dr. McGraw. “Their's is a sickness of the mind. Their collective unconscious self image has been damaged by centuries of harpooning and harvesting the fattest among them. Clearly we've made them feel that fat whales have no reason to live. And can you blame them? They see how we've treated their svelte seafaring mammalian cousins, the dolphins, all these years with the Sea World parks and the special tuna nets, and they can draw only one conclusion: no fatties allowed.”

But diet mogul Lindsey Lenox sees an opportunity for humans to benefit from the gaunt grays. She plans to market the special exercise regimen and niche diet that has apparently lead to their remarkable blubber reduction. “The essence of a successful weight loss program is simplicity,” said Ms Lenox, “and you can't get much simpler than thousands of miles of deep ocean swimming on a meager diet of krill and seawater.”

While Dr. Swartz was skeptical about the feasibility of adapting whale behavior to suit obese humans he accepted the possibility. “Well it could at least act as an inspiration to those land-orcas out there,” begrudged Dr. Swartz. “If an actual fat fucking whale can loose weight what's your problem you fat fuck?!”