A small group of scientists in the field of “wet artificial life” have been making big strides lately and experts predict they are within ten years of achieving their fundamental goal: creating life from its basic organic building blocks.“It's going to be a big deal and everyone's going to know about it,” said Mario Bedio, chief operating officer of ProtoLife in Venice, Italy. “We're talking about a technology that could change our world in ways that are impossible to predict. And it's only years away.”
However, Ross Bennett, a junior finance major at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign has made the startling claim of having already created artificial life. “Jenna said I had to clean out my fridge before she'd come over again 'cuz it was so gross and that's when I found it,” said Mr. Bennett referring to his discovery. “It was in a little round Tupperware container way at the back, behind the half empty can of baked beans and a big shriveled eggplant, which my roommate got like two months ago and hasn't done shit with.”
When asked to elaborate on his discovery Mr. Bennett described it as “blue” and “like somethin' outta Star Trek.” Mr. Bennett continued, ”You know that episode where they land on that planet with the supersized flyin' brain cells that suck Spock senseless. It's like one a them supersize flyin' braincells, only fuzzy. Anyway I know it's artificial 'cuz I haven't eaten anything blue in, like, ages. Since Ronny's twenty-first birthday when we did those blueberry schnapps and Malibu jello shots.”
When informed of the unsubstantiated claim, Dr. Bedio surmised it was probably not artificial at all but merely the bloom of some latent mold spores already present on the food before it was sealed.
“For real?” responded Mr. Bennett. “You mean I ate that shit? Fuckin' gross!”
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