Soda making Americans fat

Perhaps the biggest single dietary contributor to America's supersizing waistlines is soda pop. The sugary beverage is the only specific food clinically linked to weight gain and it makes up a staggering 10 percent of calories in the average diet.

The problem, doctors say, appears to be two fold. First the sheer number of calories in sweetened sodas is often not comprehended by consumers. A 64 oz. “Bladder Buster” Coke contains roughly 800 calories which is half the total number of calories an adult woman needs daily.

Second, most beverages appear to fool the body's natural appetite suppression mechanisms. The consumption of a 400 calorie burger triggers hormones which tells the brain it is no longer hungry while a similar consumption of soda does not appear to cause the same biological response, thus allowing the diner to continue eating and drinking longer before feeling full.

Soft drink companies under fire to come up with solutions to the sticky soda situation have several projects in various stages of development. Coke is researching a line of Atkins sodas made not with high fructose corn syrup but animal fat. “Nothing gives you that sated feeling like gnawing on the cartilage stub at the end of a pork loin,” said Aren Van Danburg, vice president of research and development at Coke, “so we're trying to introduce that sensation into our line of fizzy refreshments.”

Mr. Van Danburg said the partnership with the Atkins line of high protein, high fat diet foods was essential to lend the new sodas the clout they will need in the already crowded diet market. “Bacon grease also appears promising at the moment, though the gristle keeps wreaking havoc on our filtration system.”

Not to be left behind in the alternative beverage race, competitor Pepsi has attempted a different tact. “Most beverages do evade the body's appetite suppression system,” explained Pepsi's head food scientist Carolyn Benshaw, “with one apparent exception: soup.” Citing research done at Purdue University's Department of Food and Nutrition, Ms Benshaw said soup appears to be the anomaly in liquid food research. “Pepsi is committed to the health of America's children which is why we're phasing in our new soup-flavored sodas as alternatives to traditional beverages in school cafeterias around the country.”

When confronted with options including Split Pea Pepsi, Cream of Mushroom flavored Mello-Yellow or Dr. Peppercorn 'n Clam Chowder, Detroit middle-schooler Wade Dewallen expressed some reservations saying, “That's sick! Pop that taste like soup?! Uh-uh, no way!” Mr. Dewallen, 12, appeared skeptical of the proposition that his current beverage choices were unhealthy. “You get fat from eatin' pork rinds 'n shit, not from Mountain Dew. Besides, what'm I supposed to drink? Water?! Gross!”